I don’t know how many of you use Google Voice, but it is a great tool. Basically, it generates a phone number for you that you can use in a variety of ways. You can send calls to that number, directly to your cell phone. You can also include your friends or business associates so that they too get calls to that number.

One of its coolest and sometimes funniest features is the voicemail transcript function. Google will text you a transcript of the voicemail.
Sometimes it is dead on, other times – not so much.
Below, I offer you evidence of the “other times.”
I call it a Google Voice Spasm.

Was this transcript useful Google Voice?
No.
No it was not.

Do you use Google Voice?
How are you using it?

Now that Apple has changed how we read and publish books with iBooks Author, there no doubt will be a swarm of new “authors” that fill the space with their brain compost. Of course, there will be many rubbish books that contain sentences made of words that should never be that close together in a thought. Therefore, how do you stand out in this red ocean of contemporary “wordsmiths?”
Read on and add to the list.

1. Come up with a cool pen name
Make it flashy or scary. Something like Stephen Stalker or Killer Kevin Miller.

2. Add lots of photos
People love seeing themselves, so why not let them enjoy tons of photos of you! Bring them along for the 36 photo slideshow of when you visited your aunt in Deleware. Or when your dog went outside and you took 45 photos of the event.

3. Use funny video
Of course, you really need to sell this aspect of the iBook. Be sure that you are using your built-in camera, clutter the background behind you, and sing several songs from your favourite artist. Be sure to tell lots of jokes too.

4.  Make sure they see your iBook’s value
Nothing says value more than charging $9.99 for your introspective odyssey.

5. When in doubt, copy and paste
If you are struggling with writer’s block, don’t worry. There are so many books out there that no one is reading, they won’t know your book called “Considerable Assumptions” is actually an F. Scott Fitzgerald classic!

What else will make budding authors stand out?

Remember how toys used to be dangerous and fun? Remember when toy makers made crap ads and crap toys but you didn’t care because your rich friend on the bus had one of those toys? Remember when using a toy may or may not make you look like you had some sort of handicap? Behold the Swing Wing.

It’s possible you may have seen this video series online.
But if you have not beheld the erratic majesty of a man on a buffalo, you have not begun to live.
Please – quiet the dog.
Send your friends home.
Put down that book.
Whatever you are doing, stop – and cast your eyes upon a dude riding around on a buffalo, doing stuff.

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

One of the best things in the world: being outside in the extreme cold and finding plenty of kindling near your fire pit.
One of the worst things in the world: being outside in the extreme cold and finding your frostbitten finger next to the stack of kindling near your fire pit.

Hi.
My name is Beckey Kelsey, and I am a professional flower girl.
That’s right – you can hire me to come down the aisle right before the magnificent bride.
Please see my credential below and contact me today to get me, Beckey Kelsey, as your PROFESSIONAL FLOWER GIRL!!!

Name
Beckey Kelsey

Age
34

Experience
While I have never actually been married, I have been to many wedding events.
My dad uses me as the flower girl in his weddings, which have become a yearly event it seems.
The most recent was the wedding of daddy and that old bat Pearl.
The way things are going, I should be in one next month.

Education
Some

Other
If you want me to do your wedding, please know that I smoke.
A lot.
In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if you were to complain – but it’s all good!
The big day is not about me, right? It’s about the lovely couple, so no one will really notice me anyways.

What People Are Saying About Beckey Kelsey
“I have no idea why she is doing this.”
- Aunt Maggie
“Is this a joke?”
- Some bride at a wedding I was at
“She is the most adorable thing ever!”
- my daddy!

Contact Info
I don’t have a cell phone right now.

When you were growing up, were you known for something awesome? Did your pals say, “Hey! Here comes ol’ [enter cool name based upon something you do]!” Did you have a moniker on the back of your intramural jersey?
If you answered “no” to these questions – you need a nickname.
Today, I offer you tips on acquiring a nickname that will stick.

1. Set something on fire.
This works especially well if your name starts with the letter “P.” For example, “Pyro Pete.” See how easy it is?

2. Start signing official documents with your desired nickname.
Nothing gets the attention of people of note faster than when you sign your foreclosure with “Hot Rod McDonald.” Hey – they might even let you keep your house!

3. Have custom printed t-shirts made.
This one is tricky. After having these shirts made, you’ll want to wear them all the time. Even at your fancy law office. It may cost you your job, but hey – what is it worth to you?

4. Forge newspaper articles with Photoshop about your high school exploits
This is cake. If you are a monkey you could do this. And, you can create some fun memories to share in the process – especially how “Streak” scored that goal in the last few seconds.

Good luck with your journey to nickname infamy.
If you have any other ideas, leave them here!

Not far from our home, in lovely Asheville, North Carolina, stands historic Biltmore Estate.
In 1895, George Vanderbilt had the 250 room home that has 4 acres of floor space constructed. It was a marvel then and it is to this day.
Every Christmas, adults will pay $70 to walk through and look at stuff in and around the estate.

In order to offset holiday expenses and to begin saving for my gold-plated carriage pulled by a team of unicorns, I have decided to also open my home for Christmas tours. See the list of some of the attractions and features below:

ESTATE
House
The house was built in 1901 by some guy and his friends. During its construction that took time, certainly someone became thirsty and someone else fetched water from the old well. That person who was thirsty, became happy again and went back to work at some point. The house was finally completed and there it stood and still stands. Today, it needs some paint on the outside but still possesses the same charm that guy first intended.
Sometimes, the current resident will sit on the front patio and play olde tyme songs on his non-Martin guitar.
To even listen: $50

Grounds
On the sprawling 24-acres, you will find lots of trees that are tall. They are also mostly made of wood and leaves. A few original agricultural-esque buildings still stand. Some are even sort of leaning!
Feel free to wander the land and take in the sights.
To take in sights: $50

For the Kids
What family is complete without a few little ones running about? Meet our kids and experience the magic.
Our children are very kind and have been instructed how to make correct change.
To engage children: $50/child (6 child minimum to avoid jealous outbreak)

Christmas Festiveness
What trip to our estate would be complete without enjoying a taste of Christmas magic? While visiting, you will enjoy seeing a Christmas tree (decorated with 1 strand of lights for efficiency and because that’s all we had! – feel free to make it an interactive experience by leaving gifts!), stockings hung by the chimney with care, a few Santa sculptures (none kneeling at the manger here!) and some burning candles.
Sometimes, Santa Claus himself will make a visit. It really depends on Gary (plays the role of St. nick), his schedule and if he is willing to dye his hair again. Last time, we had to use Clorox and some got in his mouth while we were on the patio. He said that it “tasted like burning” and he has been tough to reach here of late. But don’t let that keep you from waiting in line to see him!
To enjoy Christmas: $50
To enjoy Santa (if Gary shows): $175

ADMISSION
Cost
For your convenience, there is only one fee!
Newborn – almost deceased: $70 per person
Pets are allowed for small fee of only $68 per non-edible animal.
(Admission price is in addition to the attraction prices that were conveniently listed above.)

Happy Christmas and we hope to see you soon!
Please make reservations in the comment section.

Check out these selected posts from the KevinKeigley.com archive.

What happened to normal orange juice?
Can you tell me?
Remember the days of saying, “I’ll have a glass of OJ” and that was enough?
Now there is pulp-free, extra pulp, Vitamin D enriched, citrus stand, ad nauseum…

As long as we are providing more options than we need, let’s throw a few more in there:

1. SPAM – Now with Only 50% Pig Lips and Cow Anus

2. Fruity Pebbles – Extra Shellac to Produce More Cavities in Less Time Than Before

3. Dolls – Evil Spirit Free! (Bottle of Holy Water Included Just In Case!)

4. Popcorn – Every Kernel Now Becomes a Gold Nugget (Kids, Don’t Eat ‘Em – Give ‘Em to Mom and Dad Immediately!)

5. Dasani – Super Power Enriched (Choose Between Flying or Eye Lasers)

What products should come with options?
What would they be?

It’s not often that serious health matters can make us really happy and potentially dance. It is also not often that a song by Wilford Brimley would be blasting from your car as you approach a stop light.
Diabetes is no laughing matter, but being educated by Wilford rapping is pretty effective. (Thanks Walter.)