After a recent dining adventure with some friends, I took notice of a few essential rules for Chinese buffets.  They are not written down for you to peruse at your leisure, they are a list of directives attained only by experience. So if you’ve never feasted at one of these establishments, you’ll want to pay close attention.

1.  There is no flow of traffic at the buffet bar.
Even if you are the anal type, you must be ready to cut in line when the fresh basin of sesame chicken is placed in the warmer.

2.  Know that your clothes and your skin will smell like the Chinese buffet in which you have dined.
You need to be aware that if you hit the buffet for lunch, the moment you get back to work, the smell of lo mein that has fused to your DNA will already be at your desk waiting for you

3.  People riding on Lil’ Rascals have the right of way.
For ethical reasons, you must let this person go before you.  It is also good to give them a little space as 500 pounds of scooter and person crushes toes.

4.  You will be tempted to eat strange things to satisfy your need to feel culturally engaged.
If the farthest reaches of your exposure to another culture is a Chinese buffet, go ahead and eat the cheese mussels and the crab lo mein.  Just know that french fries on a Chinese buffet are still french fries.

5.  Your waiter may test your morals.
Sure, your waiter may not speak clearly or he may even moonlight as the person dressed as the Statue of Liberty in front of a local tax office.  Whatever the case, you have to be ready to be a decent human being.

I know you have rules you follow or have observed at your local Panda Garden Chinese Express Lane No.1 Buffet — let us know.