The Lumpkin Watcher stealthily enters the Lumpkinville Library (carefully concealing a Capri Sun), hoping to score some time on the computers. Ever since his mom’s online health food store (Rhonda’s Remedies) took off, the home computer is constantly occupied. The LW wants just 15 minutes (maximum allowed library computer time) to fill-out an online dating survey.
Thank you for selecting your free trial of Online Dating USA. Please fill out the following questions so that you can find love in your area.
Male or female?
Male. That’s a funny question.
Describe yourself in a few words.
I like to watch and I am mysterious and I like to be romantic.
What do you do for a living?
Describe your ideal girl.
That’s easy. Instead of using my own picture for my profile, I uploaded a picture of a really awesome girl named Cheryl. She is the girl on the right. The guy is not me, it’s a guy named Ricky. He is also cool. Just don’t forward this to Ricky please.
Tell us about your idea of a perfect date.
First, I would ask my ‘rents to go the the store or something so we could have the house to ourselves. Then, I would make something romantic like Stouffer’s lasagna (family size), with garlic bread and a box of wine. We would then watch a movie (prob Roadhouse with Patrick Swayze) on our couch. Then a walk and talk about crap or something.
List your strengths.
Easy. I can do some bench presses, push-ups and stuff. I once made a dog run away by staring at it even though people say not to do that.
List your weaknesses.
To help us serve you better, please give us your Social Security Number and your birthday so we can send you a secret gift!
228-89-4727 and my birthday is January 8. I can’t wait to see what you will send me. A girl, I hope! Ha, ha LOL.
[The Lumpkin Watcher exits his computer session, puts his Capri Sun in the recycle bin, and steps out into the bright sunlight of Lumpkinville -- perhaps walking a little taller.]