Tom Jarvis sits in the doctor’s office one day, feeling a bit uneasy about what his scans may show.  In nervous expectation, he looks at an entertainment magazine that is 2 years old and features a newly wed couple on the front that recently went through a big divorce with plenty of media coverage.  The doorknob twists then opens…

Nurse: Mr. Jarvis, the doctor will see you in just a moment.  Just so you know, he is a little… unique?

Tom: [Nervously] Unique?  What do you mean by that?

Nurse: Well, let’s just say that… Dr. [pauses] Smurf is a bit… eccentric?

Tom: What are you saying?

Nurse: [Whispering] Okay, listen – Dr. Watkins is going through some sort of life crisis.  We don’t know what the heck to make of it, but he owns this joint, okay?  I wanna keep getting paid, because I have too many mouths to feed at my house and I also just got a sweet Chrysler Sebring.  It’s a convertible.  [With a bright sing-song tone] Okay then — the doctor will be in shortly.

The nurse exits and Tom stares blankly at the credentials on the wall.  Then he reads a poster that says, “Kiss a non-smoker and taste the difference!”  Once again, the doorknob twists, then opens.  In steps a grown man without a shirt.  He is wearing white spandex pants and K-Swiss shoes.  Atop his head sits something like a chef’s hat from a comic strip.  His entire body appears to be painted blue.

Doctor: Hello, Tom.  I am Dr. Smurf.  Smurfy day we are having, yeah?

Tom: [Stares at the doctor like a slack-jawed statue]

Dr. Smurf: I understand.  I get it — you are waiting for your news.  Well, it’s not very smurfy.  In fact, you could say that you might have to consider a smurfy procedure.

Tom: [Gathering himself]  Uhh… uh.  Wh-what?  Uh — are you serious?

Dr. Smurf: Mr. Jarvis, I never kid.  I am always quite serious.

Tom: Okay, so what is happening exactly?  Is this a joke?

Dr. Smurf: It’s no joke.  I was looking at your scan and there is no way you can smurf through this kind of smurf without medical smurf.

Tom: [Shaking his head in disbelief]

Dr. Smurf: [Leaning in and lowering his voice]  Look Tom, let me level with you — you are smurfed.  Can I be that honest with you?  Sorry, I just want to be real.  I have never seen this level of smurf in my career.  You are just plain smurfed.

Tom: So, what does that mean?

Dr. Smurf: Well, if I were pressed for what you might be looking at, I would say you have about smurf to smurf chances to smurf.

Tom: [Stares at the doctor]

Dr. Smurf: I know.  Now that is smurfed up.  Sorry, am I being too real?  I am sometimes accused of that.  [Adjusts his white chef-style hat and stands and hands Tom some papers]  Tom, read up.  There is a lot of smurfy information in here that should help you smurf the best decision.  I have also given you my cell number in case you wanna go smurfing sometime.

Tom: [Shakes head and lets out a quiet squeak]

Dr. Smurf: I know, I know.  It’s the least I could do.  My nurses are always smurfing me and saying that I get too close to my patients.  [Smiles]  But what can I say — I am just a smurf, right?

Tom: [Nods blankly]

Dr. Smurf: Alright Tom [raises hand for a high-five that is not reciprocated]… you can see the smurf on your way out and she will smurf your payment for the day.  I hope you still have that smurfy insurance ol’ Bill gives you guys over at the plant — how is that ol’ smurf anyway?

Tom: [Struggling to speak]  He [clears throat] …uh, he just fired me.

Dr. Smurf: [Takes a sharp breath and grimaces]  Yikes.  That smurfs.  [Smile returns]  Keep it smurfy, Tom!

The door closes and Tom says something that sounds like, “I will.”