Somewhere, right now, there is a guy that has just finished a day of training to break his old record of sitting in a bath tub full of deadly rattlesnakes.
Somewhere, right now, there is a wife who has a husband that sits in tubs with snakes, and she is just not “feelin’ it.”
On a cool autumn evening, a man stumbles from his truck to his front door, cradling has hand that is wrapped in gauze. On the back of his hand, there is an apple-sized red spot that is getting larger with each passing moment.
Wife: [Looking up from the dishes] Dang, baby. Not again! You got bit?
Husband: Yep, yep, yep. They done got me again. I’m plum whooped too. I wasn’t concentratin’ hard enough. Gimme a Pabst, would ya baby?
Wife: [Opening fridge] You know, I don’t think I can take much more of this. I mean, everyday, you come home and you are whooped from sittin’ in snakes all day. Don’t you think you could try to look for a job?
Husband: Baby, Snake Man don’t have t’work. I get the unique privelege to sit in a tub of deadly snakes and maintain my world record. What do you do all day?
Wife: I work at the restaurant! [Handing him a cold PBR] And then I get to come home and work some more, then I get to watch my husband lose a finger or two ’bout every other week or so.
Husband: Baby, I work hard sittin’ in them snakes. Do you wanna do it?
Wife: No, I ju-
Husband: Then who’s gonna do it? You? Timbo 2 or Timbo 3? Dat boy ain’t worth a lick.
Wife: Henry, pl-
Wife: I mean, Snake Man -
Snake Man: That better. [Takes a huge swill of PBR then wipes his chin]
Wife: Snake Man, no wonder Timbo 3 is out runnin’ ’round all crazy. He’s just trying to be like you. [Looks at floor] Your finger just fell off.
Snake Man: [Looks at the black fizzing digit on the ground] Daggit. [Takes another swill] Dat boy ain’t gonna ‘mount to nuthin’ trying to jump some danged bike over some danged buses. He’s crazy.
Wife: … He’s just like his father.
Snake Man: [Beginning to tear up] Baby – you’re right. He does wanna be like me. Ne’er thought about it before. Makes me wanna cry.
Wife: Don’t cry dear. You know your body needs all the moisture it can get to fight the venom.
Snake Man: [Rising from his musty recliner] Baby – my tears are venom anyways. [Leans in and plants a big kiss on his wife] Seriously, my tears are venom. You should wipe your face with a cloth or you could go blind.
Wife: I love you.
Snake Man: I love you too, baby.
Wife: So… how about goin’ in tomorrow and applyin’ for that job with my Daddy?
Snake Man: Sorry baby. [Sits back down] Those snakes aren’t gonna sit in a tub with themselves. ‘Sides – if I’m out workin’ for the Man, who do ya think Timbo 3 gonna look up to, Washington DC?
Timbo 3: YOU’RE MY HERO, DADDY! [Timbo, who had been listening through the screen door from outside, turns and runs into the woods without a shirt and possibly wearing only one shoe]
Snake Man: [Whispering] No son, you’re my hero.
Snake Man’s wife walks into the wall and smiles.