There is nothing like late night television to numb the mind and dull the senses.  It is during that vulnerable time that the makers of cheap crap smear the airwaves with lame ads for their ridiculous products — enter Couch Coaster.

I love how most infomercials make people look ridiculous and completely helpless when it comes to normal human-style living.  This ad does not disappoint (check out the video below).  Right out of the gate, the guy on the sofa is apparently battling vertigo as he is unable to sit alone on his sofa, stuff his mouth with junk and watch UFC reruns from 2008.  The other amazing part is at 1:07 where apparently reaching for your soda can cause back injury.

I don’t want to spoil the ending for you, but this little item is only $10.  According to the ad, you are actually getting quite a deal since you could be paying $100 to become another couch potato.  Order today (and if you do, send me the other one — you couldn’t possibly need 2 Couch Coasters).

What are some of your favourite moments in the video?
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I love important public notices.  Especially when they are from a cemetery and mausoleum company.  That always gets me excited.
It is comforting to know that they make it such a priority to notify the masses when they are updating their records.  I know I do.  Whenever I update my contact info on my Mac, I usually take out an ad in the paper addressing all people with contact info.  I also ask everyone with contact info to contact me for legal reasons.
I do not, however, take it to the level of amazingness that Graceland Cemetery and Mausoleum did…
…they want to celebrate life so much, that they are offering half off on grave plots.
Nothing celebrates life more than that.
Well done Graceland.
(Standing and clapping slowly.)
…

We all wish for things.  Don’t we?  We all have had those times in our lives where we have said, “I just wish…” or “I wish…” or “Could you get me another delicious falafel like we had at that Middle Eastern restaurant that one night?”
Wishing is something that we have only dreamed about.  But apparently, we can stop dreaming.
They’ve done it.
The metaphysical geniuses at Life Technology have developed a wishing machine that is simple to use.  It was designed to be used by “novices and experts [that] will be immediately impressed with its simple design.”
Make your way to their site immediately so that they can spell out clearly the benefits of a wishing machine.  They even have them listed.  The most powerful reason to me is number ten — “Happiness, etc.”
For the low, low price of only $999.95 (they even use PayPal for easy transactions), you too could be the proud owner of the Psychotronic Wishing Machine.  I would tell you to hurry and order now, but apparently the item is currently unavailable.
Maybe the geniuses over at Life Technology should use their machine and wish for more machines.

This is a train wreck of ideas.  I guess because NASCAR trading cards are such a hot item, they slide them into the baseball card section and try to fool you into thinking that anyone cares.  They even go so far as to portray Jeff Gordon as some sort of baseball-playing-race car-driver.  Does anyone else think that Jeff felt like a tool posing for this photo?  Or was he sedated by the piles of money at his feet?  I also like the fact that included in some lucky packs are pieces of used racing suits.  How amazing is that?  Shreds of some dude’s sweaty jumpsuit can be used to make even more money.  I love America!

I saw this ad in a South Carolina publication.  I wonder what the answer is to that question?  I wonder what did happen the last time you went to a funeral home and asked for cremation?  Did the funeral director get pissed and throw a flower arrangement at you before tossing you out on the sidewalk?  Was there general mockery that took place?  Did the funeral director laugh and then grab the lady in the photo and cremate her to teach a lesson?  Was her name Doris and is that the last known photo of her?  Or maybe the the guys at the funeral home simply say, “Okay.  No problem.”

What did happen the last time you went to the funeral home and asked for cremation?

(By the way, if you go to their website, you will find way too much information.  Unless you are in need of cremation services.  If that is the case, I am sorry for your loss.)

This photo was submitted to me by Sarah Powell.  She says that she saw this package of candied pig snout in south Texas.  Candied pig snout.  Candied.  Pig snout.  Haven’t they heard of, oh I don’t know, chocolate?  Say a Butterfinger maybe?  What about Sour Patch Kids?  Are times so bad in south Texas that they can’t candy anything else?  Why not candy some fruit?  What was going on in someone’s mind when they walked by a pig, wallowing in its own filth, and said, “You know what Randy?  I was gonna go home and candy this fine apple I just picked.  But instead, after seeing the snout on this dirty swine, I am gonna cut off its nose and sugar it.  Wrap it in cellophane.  Make a million dollars.”

Have you seen any other gross candy?  “Candy” that should never appeal to any sweet tooth?

If there is one thing that always makes me cringe, it is advertisements for pork products.  Let’s just say — pig products.  Every sign for every BBQ place always features a fattened swine grinning from ear to ear, usually preparing himself to be eaten by all of us.  He usually dresses up for the occasion as well.  Sometimes he’ll don a hat, but you can count on him wearing a bib or scarf.  He wouldn’t want to get any of himself on himself, would he?
This bag of piggy product is just one example of disturbing pig advertising.  Note the name — Hogs Heaven.  You know why Hog Heaven?  Because apparently, that’s where they go after they are made into “delicious” food products.  But apparently, the dead hog on the bag is a happy hog and lived a decent life — he is smiling under the weight of his halo.  Also, I am not quite sure of the tag line, “Put a little South in your mouth”.  That just sounds gross.  On the farm, I was always told to watch myself around the southern end of a northbound animal.
One more thing.  Pork rinds are in fact the skin of a pig.  That was an unfortunate revelation to me much too late in life.

What are some names of BBQ joints near you?  Do they feature pigs happily sitting in fire for your eating pleasure?  If you have a photo of their sign, I really want to see it.  Send it to 11ty@kevinkeigley.com

Have you ever been caught with both hands full and you wish you could hold your Blackberry upside so you couldn’t read it?  Have you ever wanted to wear something on your hand that makes people think you just had surgery and that you are wearing some sort of rehab device?  Have you ever had an aching desire to be able to show how much cash you are carrying as well as display your credit cards and identification?  If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, you need Freehand.  The Freehand is for that special someone who thinks actually holding something like a real human being is for suckers.  So stop holding your change in your hand — that is so 19th century.  Order Freehand today!

I think we all have seen this product at some point in our lives.  If not, it gives me extreme pleasure to introduce to you — Toilet Mini Golf.  That’s right.  Haven’t you been on the toilet and thought, “Man!  What is there to do?  I am so bored.”  If so, look no further.  You can play a complete round of mini golf right in the comfort of your own bathroom.  And remain seated (please remain seated), because included is a mini putter that is just the right size.  So next time you are on the throne and you wanna kill some time, break out Toilet Mini Golf.  And afterwards make an appointment with your family physician to address the ill effects of sitting on a toilet for excessive periods of time.

(Thanks to Christ Hunt for snapping this pic while apparently driving down a rough road while blindfolded)

The thing I find most intriguing about this product is the sales pitch — The Shirtpocket Underwater Camcorder.  Apparently, there have been one too many instances where people have been diving with their family or friends, and they have reached to their shirtpocket only to find it empty.  To their disappointment, there was no underwater camcorder in existence that would fit in their shirtpocket to record memories whilst diving.  If only there were such an invention.  Well, rest easy now my diving-in-a-shirt-with-a-pocket friends — it is available for the low, low price of $199.95.  Maybe soon someone will invent sunglasses that you wear while you sleep, or better yet, a holster for your cell phone for when you are walking through fire.