After hiring a team of untrained monkeys to randomly pick a name from the comment section, they have finally come to an agreement.
Congratulations to Marie!
Soon, your inbox will have information for you to download this amazing album from The Decemberists.

Thanks to all who commented and feel free to drop-in anytime.
Just bring your own silverware.
And beverages.

Fame is not for everyone.
Notoriety is not for the faint of heart, because it brings attention – and sometimes, it can bring lots of it.
Attention from many people, and on rare occasions, from one strange individual.
So, just in case I should ever make it big, here is a letter to my future stalker.

Dear My Future Stalker,

While I am flattered at all of your attention, I want you to know that we are not related.
Also, next time I get a “family” portrait in the mail, I would prefer it if you were to leave my eyes looking normal instead of being etched out and filled with red pen.
To answer one of your recent questions you posted on my fan site – no. You may not have any of my beard clippings, my hair clippings or toenail clippings for your “project.”
In addition, you should know that you might get tazed the next time you jump out at me when I am walking out of a Lakers game whilst pushing my buddy Jack Nicholson in his hover-chair (Jack loves his Lakers. I go to humour him.)
Here’s an idea – tonight, while you are watching reruns of Downton Abbey and practicing taxidermy on your cats, how about taking the night off and not write me another letter in your own saliva? Just a thought. Besides, they never get to me and because of copious samples of your DNA, I know exactly who you are (and you also have mono BTW).

Anyway, I hope all is well with you and please get a copy of my next book that will be a movie that I also wrote, directed and in which I will be playing the lead. Again.

Sincerely,
Kevin

I don’t know how many of you use Google Voice, but it is a great tool. Basically, it generates a phone number for you that you can use in a variety of ways. You can send calls to that number, directly to your cell phone. You can also include your friends or business associates so that they too get calls to that number.

One of its coolest and sometimes funniest features is the voicemail transcript function. Google will text you a transcript of the voicemail.
Sometimes it is dead on, other times – not so much.
Below, I offer you evidence of the “other times.”
I call it a Google Voice Spasm.

Was this transcript useful Google Voice?
No.
No it was not.

Do you use Google Voice?
How are you using it?

Now that Apple has changed how we read and publish books with iBooks Author, there no doubt will be a swarm of new “authors” that fill the space with their brain compost. Of course, there will be many rubbish books that contain sentences made of words that should never be that close together in a thought. Therefore, how do you stand out in this red ocean of contemporary “wordsmiths?”
Read on and add to the list.

1. Come up with a cool pen name
Make it flashy or scary. Something like Stephen Stalker or Killer Kevin Miller.

2. Add lots of photos
People love seeing themselves, so why not let them enjoy tons of photos of you! Bring them along for the 36 photo slideshow of when you visited your aunt in Deleware. Or when your dog went outside and you took 45 photos of the event.

3. Use funny video
Of course, you really need to sell this aspect of the iBook. Be sure that you are using your built-in camera, clutter the background behind you, and sing several songs from your favourite artist. Be sure to tell lots of jokes too.

4.  Make sure they see your iBook’s value
Nothing says value more than charging $9.99 for your introspective odyssey.

5. When in doubt, copy and paste
If you are struggling with writer’s block, don’t worry. There are so many books out there that no one is reading, they won’t know your book called “Considerable Assumptions” is actually an F. Scott Fitzgerald classic!

What else will make budding authors stand out?

Hi.
My name is Beckey Kelsey, and I am a professional flower girl.
That’s right – you can hire me to come down the aisle right before the magnificent bride.
Please see my credential below and contact me today to get me, Beckey Kelsey, as your PROFESSIONAL FLOWER GIRL!!!

Name
Beckey Kelsey

Age
34

Experience
While I have never actually been married, I have been to many wedding events.
My dad uses me as the flower girl in his weddings, which have become a yearly event it seems.
The most recent was the wedding of daddy and that old bat Pearl.
The way things are going, I should be in one next month.

Education
Some

Other
If you want me to do your wedding, please know that I smoke.
A lot.
In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if you were to complain – but it’s all good!
The big day is not about me, right? It’s about the lovely couple, so no one will really notice me anyways.

What People Are Saying About Beckey Kelsey
“I have no idea why she is doing this.”
- Aunt Maggie
“Is this a joke?”
- Some bride at a wedding I was at
“She is the most adorable thing ever!”
- my daddy!

Contact Info
I don’t have a cell phone right now.

When you were growing up, were you known for something awesome? Did your pals say, “Hey! Here comes ol’ [enter cool name based upon something you do]!” Did you have a moniker on the back of your intramural jersey?
If you answered “no” to these questions – you need a nickname.
Today, I offer you tips on acquiring a nickname that will stick.

1. Set something on fire.
This works especially well if your name starts with the letter “P.” For example, “Pyro Pete.” See how easy it is?

2. Start signing official documents with your desired nickname.
Nothing gets the attention of people of note faster than when you sign your foreclosure with “Hot Rod McDonald.” Hey – they might even let you keep your house!

3. Have custom printed t-shirts made.
This one is tricky. After having these shirts made, you’ll want to wear them all the time. Even at your fancy law office. It may cost you your job, but hey – what is it worth to you?

4. Forge newspaper articles with Photoshop about your high school exploits
This is cake. If you are a monkey you could do this. And, you can create some fun memories to share in the process – especially how “Streak” scored that goal in the last few seconds.

Good luck with your journey to nickname infamy.
If you have any other ideas, leave them here!

What happened to normal orange juice?
Can you tell me?
Remember the days of saying, “I’ll have a glass of OJ” and that was enough?
Now there is pulp-free, extra pulp, Vitamin D enriched, citrus stand, ad nauseum…

As long as we are providing more options than we need, let’s throw a few more in there:

1. SPAM – Now with Only 50% Pig Lips and Cow Anus

2. Fruity Pebbles – Extra Shellac to Produce More Cavities in Less Time Than Before

3. Dolls – Evil Spirit Free! (Bottle of Holy Water Included Just In Case!)

4. Popcorn – Every Kernel Now Becomes a Gold Nugget (Kids, Don’t Eat ‘Em – Give ‘Em to Mom and Dad Immediately!)

5. Dasani – Super Power Enriched (Choose Between Flying or Eye Lasers)

What products should come with options?
What would they be?

While I think that too much concern over self-image leads to low-grade narcissism, I also believe that a realistic and healthy view of one’s self can be beneficial. All too often we get caught up in what is happening in Hollywood or what Arnold Schwarzenegger is wearing to the next big event.

Today, I offer a few easy steps toward a wholesome self-image.

1. Get out and run
Running leads to great health, fast! It will also increase blood flow and allow you some down time to process the big things in your life.

2. Get a haircut
Sometimes the quickest way to move towards positive change can be as simple as taking a quick trip to your salon or your barber.

3. Buy a new shirt
Come on, you know what I mean here. Not just a shirt, but maybe a little wardrobe refresher. Don’t spend a lot, budget for it. And don’t forget to take a friend (because shopping is better in pairs, right?!)

4. Max your credit card
This one sounds nuts, but trust me. Nothing will make you feel better than buying a bunch of stuff you don’t need. Be sure to get lots of things at stores such as Best Buy, J. Crew, Gap, Spencer’s Gifts and other quality stores.

5. Leave all of that stuff you don’t need at a dumpster
Seriously! Think about how you will feel saying goodbye to all that stuff you don’t really need.  You should transport these items to the dumpster located behind the abandoned grocery store that sits across from Burger King, right in Travelers Rest. You should also put any cash you have in an envelope and place it under the rock sitting nearby that has a yellow splash of paint on it. Be sure you leave your car with the keys in it too, and for that, you’ll definitely want to plan ahead. Hey! Have a friend follow you in their car, make sure they too leave any cash they have (You could put it in your envelope as well – blogworthy!), and then you will have a ride home. A great day out for friends!

Trust me folks, following these simple tips will move you closer to the you that you never thought you could be.
The one that lives in your heart.

Every single person that lives in the great state of (insert your state here) needs food.
Some really need it more, and others – not so much.
One thing that we all can agree upon, is that there are foods to be eaten with friends and there is food to be eaten alone.

Today’s post attempts to provide some guidance as you embark on your journey of sustenance. I will be using a state-of-the-art method of labeling a particular food or meal with a code. The complex code system for this post will be as follows:
To be eaten with friends – F
To be eaten alone, without anyone watching – NF

1. Steak with potato – F

2. Steak covered in caramel with Pop Rocks sprinkles – NF

3. Apple – F

4. Apple that’s dipped in motor oil and gently covered with confectioner’s sugar – NF

5. Cinnamon – F

6. Cilantro – NF (This should never consumed anyway. In fact, all cilantro should be loaded onto a rocket and launched into space with its destination being the sun.)

What foods are meant to be enjoyed with friends and which foods are not?
Please, add you thoughts to this exhaustive list.

Hi.
I know that it has been some time since we last conversed, so I’ll go first:

1. Moving, transitioning and trying to run your own business is hard. Dang hard. Right now, we are between houses and chaos seems to surround us. Our current house is disheveled (note the background in the above photo) and our new (old) house is the same. It makes me feel like a sweaty-toothed madman. I am lucky to remember both of my shoes and my pants, let alone having the brain power to blog regularly.

2. My kids and I finished reading “Wildwood,” and we threw a party to commemorate the event. I will post about this week. There was food, cake, art and candles.

3. This type of post is strange for me, so please don’t look me in the eye and forgive me if I sort of twitch every now and again.

4. Don’t forget to check out my site Dear18Me. It is swell and I offer thanks to many of you who have taken the plunge into your past and submitted it in written form for the world to read. The response has been great and I love all of the stories. It would also be swell of you to submit your own letter if you have not yet done so.

5. Sometimes I wear a bandana (as featured in the previously referenced photo above). That is still acceptable, right?

I know there are some of you that have referred to recent job/life transition.
How is life in that crucible (if you care to share)?