Everybody needs a bucket list.
The Lumpkin Watcher is not immune to this human need.
On the very last page of his diary, the Lumpkin Watcher has penned his list of to-dos before fate steps in and makes him go to Sleepytown forever (the phrase his mom adopted to describe what happened to his guinea pig that was left outside).

1. Defeat Ricky in a game of wits in front of Cheryl
2. Watch entire season of Friends on DVD
3. Obtain clippings of Cheryl’s hair
4. Get a DVD player
5. Make the front page of the Lumpkinville Post (in a positive way)
6. Meet a man who swam with sharks/dolphins
7. Run around the world
8. Visit the very first Sonic and have a chocolate milkshake while sitting in the driver’s seat
9. Meet Denny Hope (host of local channel’s morning show, Wake Up Lumpkinville)
10. Drink an entire 6 pack of NOS Energy Drinks in one sitting
11. Become manager of “Rhonda’s Remedies” (my mom’s online health food store)
12. Become owner of “Rhonda’s Remedies”
13. Change name of “Rhonda’s Remedies” to “Midnight Ninja Barn” where I sell fighting equipment and stuff
14. Marry Cheryl (if not already married to Ricky – though look into Mormonism if he is – but does that apply? Isn’t it a bunch of wives for one guy? Does it work the other way? Whatever.)
15. Own a dog and name him “Scrapes” (I meant “Scraps” but “Scrapes” made me LOL)
16. Reveal my identity on Wake Up Lumpkinville
17. Shake hands with the guy who whistled Georgia on My Mind
18. Learn how to whistle to avoid awkward silence with the whistle guy
19. Get my license (to kill. Ha! JK – just to drive a car/moped)
20. Be the world’s best known lover

Before the sun rises upon the sleepy town of Lumpkinville, NC, the Lumpkin Watcher prepares himself mentally for one of the most challenging events of recent days.
The Lumpkin Watcher is going to the library, where he hopes to attain a library card.

[The Lumpkin Watcher approaches the counter of the Lumpkinville Public Library. He has a tall stack of books comprised of 4 books on ninjas, 2 books on ghost hunting, 2 books on outdoor survival, 1 book on fairy magic and The Art of War. He also has the movie The Cannonball Run, starring Burt Reynolds, on VHS. He plops them down in front of the librarian who looks as if she wishes she were dead.]

Librarian: You have a card?

LW: No, ma’am. That’s why I am here today. To get a libary card.

Librarian: (Chewing gum noisily and staring blankly) You want a library card?

LW: That’s what I said. A libary card.

Librarian: Well, you can’t check out all them books if it’s your first time.

LW: Why not? This is a libary, isn’t it?

Librarian: It is, but if you don’t got a card, you hafta get one. And then you only allowed to check out 3 books.

LW: (Acts as if pondering deeply) Okay, fine – I’ll get a libary card and then 3 books. What about the VHS tape?

Librarian: (Shakes her head “no”) Nope.

LW: Dangit.

Librarian: (Already moving in a robotic fashion to acquire library card documentation) Alright, I need to see your license or other ID.

LW: (Freezes) What? Why do you need that?

Librarian: We just do. So you wanna card or not?

LW: But I can’t tell you who I am.

Librarian: Well don’t you have some sort of “special needs” card or somethin’ to help you out?

LW: No. I am not special needs.

Librarian: Well why you here in your pajamas with a thing on your face?

LW: This is my costume.

Librarian: Halloween’s over – I need a license or another form of identification.

LW: (Stands tall and thrusts chin forward) Then ma’am – I am unable to take these items home. For I am the Lumpkin Watcher, and my identity must stay a secret for the sake of the good citizens of Lumpkinville.

Librarian: Whatever.

[The Lumpkin Watcher triumphantly leaves the counter without his stack of books, forgetting that The Cannonball Run, starring Burt Reynolds, is tucked under his arm. He promptly sets off the alarm at the door, tosses the VHS tape in the base of a ficus tree, and exits.]

In the town of Lumpkinville, North Carolina, the Lumpkin Watcher scratches words feverishly into his diary.
Is it a list of evildoers? No.
Is it a genius strategy of good overcoming evil? No.
Is it a “Like and Dislike” list? Yes.

Dear diary,

It’s so crazy that people go through life without making one of these here lists.
I saw it on a show my mom was watching and how it helped people sort stuff out.
The host of the show was yelling and the guests were crying but everyone was applauding.
So…here goes nothing!

Like: Thundercats
Dislike: cats in general

Like: Bacon
Dislike: Sausage (i know can you believe it?)

Like: Sleep
Dislike: Mom’s chores where I have to wear those dish-washing gloves

Like: Three’s Company (Jack is so funny and I want to be like him and I like Chrissy too)
Dislike: Having to ask Ricky if I can hang with him and Cheryl

Like: NOS
Dislike: Water

Like: Fighting crime in Lumpkinville
Dislike: the Man trying to get me down criminals in general

Like:
Love: Cheryl
Dislike: Ricky (don’t tell him i said that – he’d hate me forever/ beat the crap out of me)

-LW

The Lumpkin Watcher stealthily enters the Lumpkinville Library (carefully concealing a Capri Sun), hoping to score some time on the computers.  Ever since his mom’s online health food store (Rhonda’s Remedies) took off, the home computer is constantly occupied.  The LW wants just 15 minutes (maximum allowed library computer time) to fill-out an online dating survey.

Thank you for selecting your free trial of Online Dating USA.  Please fill out the following questions so that you can find love in your area.

Male or female?
Male.  That’s a funny question.

Describe yourself in a few words.
I like to watch and I am mysterious and I like to be romantic.

What do you do for a living?
N/A

Describe your ideal girl.
That’s easy. Instead of using my own picture for my profile, I uploaded a picture of a really awesome girl named Cheryl.  She is the girl on the right.  The guy is not me, it’s a guy named Ricky.  He is also cool.  Just don’t forward this to Ricky please.

Tell us about your idea of a perfect date.
First, I would ask my ‘rents to go the the store or something so we could have the house to ourselves.  Then, I would make something romantic like Stouffer’s lasagna (family size), with garlic bread and a box of wine.  We would then watch a movie (prob Roadhouse with Patrick Swayze) on our couch.  Then a walk and talk about crap or something.

List your strengths.
Easy.  I can do some bench presses, push-ups and stuff.  I once made a dog run away by staring at it even though people say not to do that.

List your weaknesses.
Asthma

To help us serve you better, please give us your Social Security Number and your birthday so we can send you a secret gift!
228-89-4727 and my birthday is January 8.  I can’t wait to see what you will send me.  A girl, I hope!  Ha, ha LOL.

[The Lumpkin Watcher exits his computer session, puts his Capri Sun in the recycle bin, and steps out into the bright sunlight of Lumpkinville -- perhaps walking a little taller.]

In the lazy town of Lumpkinville, North Carolina, The Lumpkin Watcher has just put on his Christmas pajamas and grabbed a glass of orange juice. He slides into his Cave of Crime Obstruction (blanket fort in his closet) and pens the events from his day of fighting crime and taking breaks:

Dear Diary,

Sorry it’s been so long since I have written last.  What have you been up to?  Ha!  Probably nada, since you are a book and I keep you in my sock drawer.
Today was craaaazy.  I went to Martha’s Minute Market after watching the bank for half an hour (it was too hot to sit in the sun for so long).  I was crazy thirsty and a little hungry.  All I had was $5.  Anyway, I went inside and went straight to the cold drink cooler.  I wanted to get one of those awesome NOS energy drinks that Ricky always drinks before he works out or goes on his dates with Cheryl (hottie!).  Those drinks are expensive, so I got a Monster drink and a bag of Mesquite BBQ chips (what is Mesquite anyways — I know it is DELICIOUS!).
When I went to check out, I knew I would barely have enough money (note to self — get a job QUICK).  Martha herself rang me up.  The total was $3.25.  She gave me my change, and I walked out.  But here’s what is crazy… when I got outside, I looked at my change and saw that she had done gave me $5.75 in change.  What a nice lady!  I guess she secretly wanted to pay me for all of my crime fighting and for watching her store sometimes.
So I went back inside with my hard-earned money and went straight to the NOS energy drink display case.  I grabbed the biggest one I could find, took it to the front and slapped the $5 on the counter.  I winked at Martha, but I think she thought I was making fun of her lazy eye (creepy!), but I wasn’t.
As I walked out, I couldn’t wait to drink that NOS right on down.  As I was about to crack it open and pound it, I saw Old Man Johnson sitting on a bench.  I thought that he could probably use a little boost.  He is always sitting on benches and dying and stuff.  I even started to feel guilty about Martha paying me for my services.  So I walked right up to Old Man Johnson and gave him my NOS and walked away.
Sometimes, being so good is hard.  I really wanted that NOS.  I thought that if I drank it, I might be able to defend fair Lumpkinville a little better.  I might even get a girl like Cheryl (hottness!) and me and Ricky and Cheryl and my Cheryl could go on a date.
Also, sad news.  Old Man Johnson was sent to the hospital not long after I saw him.  I think mom said it was a heart attack.
Sleepytown is calling, gotta answer!
Goodnight.

-LW

In the small town of Lumpkinville, North Carolina, The Lumpkin Watcher has just narrowly escaped getting busted by his mom for breaking curfew. He slips dejectedly into his lair (bedroom) and enters his Cave of Crime Obstruction (blanket fort in his closet). With a steady hand, he holds a flashlight and pens the following words:

Dear Diary,

Hey. What’s up?
Not much here.
Just about got busted by my mom is all. If only I could tell her my true identity. Then she wouldn’t hassle me all the time about “being home for dinner” and “why does your room smell so bad” and “why can’t you have a girlfriend like your friend Ricky?”
Man, Ricky was the coolest guy in school. He got the Wii when it first came out and we played it all night long one time. Well, I actually watched him play it while I observed through his window. I bet we would have had a blast that night. So much junk food and talking about girls and how much I like girls.
Maybe one day Ricky and I will hang out. He is just so busy all the time since he dropped out of school. His older brother got him a real important job running special errands for him. Ricky always has lots of money, so I bet his brother pays him well. Maybe one day I can go on one of his professional deliveries.
So, guess what?
I am waiting…
I’m kidding. Ha, ha.
Today was a BIG day. I saved Old Man Johnson’s life. While I was on patrol in Cowling Park, I found him on a bench where he was sitting unconscious. I ran up to him as fast as I could. He looked real bad, so I started hitting his chest real hard with my fist trying to get his heart going again. I figured that seeing as how he is so old, he had probably done had himself a big heart attack. Well, I only had to hit him twice before his dentures flew out of his mouth and he came back to the land of the living. I saluted him and ran off. I can still hear him screaming at me, trying to thank me as I ran away.
Okay Diary, time for sleep now. More adventures tomorrow.

- LW

In the small town of Lumpkinville, North Carolina, a vigilante sits high atop the second story roof of Davis Feed & Seed.
In mediocre silence he waits for the chance to defend the town that he loves.
And where he graduated 405th in his class (out of 602).

The following is an entry in the top secret diary of The Lumpkin Watcher.

6:35PM
Old Man Johnson arrives in his car
Exits his vehicle and enters Marv’s Diner
No incident to report

6:55PM
Nothing to report

7:02PM
Mr. Maynard crosses street

7:03PM
Mr. Maynard drops some change in the road
A car may run over Mr. Maynard

7:03PM
Mr. Maynard gets his change
No cars in sight

7:35PM
Hear squealing sound – could be squealing tires of a getaway vehicle
I, the Lumpkin Watcher, entered 9-1-1 on phone
Standing by to press “send”

7:38PM
Squealing sound was fan belt of the Wilson’s minivan

7:40PM
Finished ham sandwich
Remembered to keep sandwich cool this time

7:55PM
All stores in town closed except for Marv’s
Senses heightened and focused

8:00PM
Marv’s closes
But Old Man Johnson never exited!!!!!

8:01PM
Have visual of Old Man Johnson

8:27PM
Nothing to report

9:00PM
Curfew
Time to call it a night
Don’t want to take any chances