As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: You are at a gathering with some of your friends and as you are trailblazing about your high school glory days, someone addresses you by name.  You have no idea who the person is.

Mancode #384: As a man, you never want to admit you don’t know something.  Even if you are clueless, you must smack of mastery of the subject presented to you.  This also applies when it comes to names.  Never admit to the person that you don’t know their moniker.  Always act as if it has been too long since the last time you saw them.  Your excitement level will distract them for a moment while you fish through names in your head, trying to find their handle.  As you are flipping through your cerebral Rolodex, toss out the following names immediately:  McGhee or McPherson.  These are most likely names that don’t apply and are more commonly used to describe people that are slow or lame (ie. Slowy McGhee or Lamey McPherson).  While you are still searching for their name in your head and making small talk, use familiar terms — for guys, use the words “dude” or “bro.”  If you are slightly more daring, you can also use “Broseph.”  If you happen to be talking to a Joseph, he will be your friend for life.  If you are talking to a girl, use the words “sweetheart” or “babe.”  All clinical research reveals that girls love that.
In the end, if you are unable to draw up their name, leap towards them all wild-eyed screaming, “Dude! Dude!” or “Hey babe, listen to this…” and then immediately launch into a story about your high school baseball/football days.  They will have so much love for you, that they will want everyone around you to hear your story.  They will probably even walk away so that one more person can squeeze in to hear how awesome you were.
Crisis averted.

Are there other proven methods of dealing with this situation?  Are there other methods of distraction?

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As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: It’s absolutely freezing outside and it requires people to dress in warm layers in order to stay alive.

Mancode #101: The last thing you want to do is show any weakness to the extreme cold.  This will require you to wear shorts and t-shirts when everyone else is wearing their fleece and heavy jackets with the fur-lined hoods.  You should make exclamations like, “Man, it is so hot in here.  How can you even be wearing that jacket let alone pants?” or “If it gets any hotter I am literally going to burst into flames!” and “What?  Flannel shirts inside?  I thought that only lumberjacks in Siberia wore those!”
If people question your sincerity about not being cold, you should immediately remove your shirt revealing your bare and manly chest.  Another worthy response is to run and jump into a lake or another large body of water. When they ask about your body being mostly blue and partially black in some places, you just tell them “that is how you like it” and “you don’t need no stinking blankets.”  If one of your toes should fall off because of “frostbite,” immediately proclaim that it was useless anyway and probably was slowing you down.

What are some other ways you can display your manliness in the cold (without getting fined or put in jail)?

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: You take a new job and your employer leaves you alone for 5 minutes.

Mancode #836: You never want people to think that you don’t know what you are doing.  Therefore, always have some papers in your hand because they can double for some official/important documents.  You should always have a pen at the ready as well.  Having papers and a pen allows you the freedom to move about the office as opposed to standing in one place and therefore exposing your lack of productivity.  Once you decide to move, you should move quickly as if you have to get somewhere as soon as possible.  It is also a good idea to grimace as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders and all those suckers in their cubicles should be glad that it is you and not them with such responsibility.  When you approach a dead end, you should come to an abrupt stop, as if you remembered something — something critical.  Then you look hard at your papers, cut your eyes to the side as if you made an important discovery (tap your lower lip with your pen for emphasis), and finally dart away in the opposite direction from whence you came.  You should repeat this process until your employer discovers how hard you have been working in their absence.

So people, what have you done to not expose your lack of productivity?  …

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: Someone asks you a question, and by some fluke, you don’t know the answer.

Mancode #127: First of all, don’t let on that they have asked a question no one thinks about, for that is why you do not know the answer.  Then, after making sure you do not call them out, you’ll want to sigh as if you are thinking of all the many possible ways to respond on their level.  It’s also a good idea to look around and sort of laugh to yourself as if some of the responses would be humourous, if only you could speak in layman’s terms.  When they ask you what is funny, the Mancode Manual suggests you say, “Nah, it’s just…” and then let your voice trail off as you shake your head letting them know they wouldn’t understand anyway.  If none of these tactics kill enough time that would cause the uninformed person to forget they asked a silly question in the first place, then finally you should change the subject.  Use the phrase, “By the way…” and then follow it up with a bit of sports talk.  That way, they feel as if they have led the conversation on to manlier things.