Man has been given a precious gift.
Even if the top of his head stops producing hair, stop agonizing – his face will continue to produce a beard.
What an amazing gift, yes?
But sometimes, even the most manly of men need to be reminded to trim the gift that keeps on giving.
So how do you know it’s time to trim?

1. If you find yourself constantly chewing your facial hair whilst chewing any food.
2. If you reach up to scratch your head, but whilst raising your arm, you are impeded by your lavish and lush facial follicles.
3. If your comb-over starts at your jaw line.
4. If you have to pin your beard back to smile for photos on a windy day.
5. If following every bathroom break, you have to move your beard out of the way so that it does not get caught in your zipper.
6. If you have decided to stop wearing all of those “frustrating clothes” because “you are now wearing nature’s robe”.
7. If you find that other people are chewing your facial hair whilst chewing any food.
8. If your beard has ever blown out the window during a leisurely drive through the English countryside.

What are some other indicators that your beard is too long?

This ad was made known to me by my friend, Greg Boone.
It was featured in a popular magazine about science.
As I gazed upon the promotional blurb for Gravity Defyer shoes, I couldn’t get one thought out of my mind…

…who was the marketing genius that came up with the official logo?
It sure looks like something that swims in groups of millions — and I am certainly not thinking of tadpoles.

Am I alone in my thinking?

This is a first on the 11ty Million Dollar Blog.
To be able to combine 2 majestic things, beards and music — it is a wonderful thing.
I had the distinct pleasure to spend some time with this week’s combo feature, Brian Wurzell.
Brian’s 10 song worship album, Grace Ocean, debuts tomorrow — you’ll want this album.

Me: I am being joined by musician, Brian Wilson.  How do you spell — no, it’s not Wilson, it’s…

Brian: Brian Wilson was actually part of the Beach Boys — which is totally fine.  We’ve only been together for 4 days, so I understand [how you] don’t remember my name.  [Consensual laughter ensues] It’s Brian Wurzell.  And you can spell that — it’s Brian with an “i” — B-R-I-A-N.  And then the last name is W-U-R-Z-E-L-L.  It’s German.  [Pronounces it German-style] It means “root.”

Me: So I can say, [Slaughters name with hokey German accent]?  We are just getting back to our roots here.  Speaking of roots.  Let’s talk about whiskers.  Let’s talk about facial hair.  It’s obvious, people can see from the photo that you are a fellow Beardy — which is very exciting.  I’m here at Ridgecrest at a conference for people who are in Christian camping, and you are leading worship here with a lot of good people — who were some people on stage with you?

Brian: We had The Technicolors who were backing me up — 3 of the guys from The Technicolors.  And then Audrey Assad, who’s also an amazing musician — on tour, you can catch her this Spring with Jars of Clay.  Um… yeah.  So that’s kind of the band.

Me: As a musician, one who leads worship, are there ever times where your beard presents a problem for you?  Maybe it’s the lighting, maybe it’s getting in touch with the microphone — giving you some extra acoustic or percussion you’re not planning on?  Tell us about that.

Brian: So, probably the most trouble with my beard — from the musician’s standpoint on the stage, is oftentimes the bottom part of my beard [points to beard], as I eat the mic if you will, it gets tangled in the little rivets of the mic.  So I’ll pull away and…

Me: [Makes a cartoonish hair-being-pulled sound]

Brian: Yep — there’s a couple gone right there.  But the funny part is it’s stuck in the mic, so you cannot only see it, but then you are trying to eat the mic again to sing  — and there are whisker hairs… in the mouth.  In the mouth.

Me: Brian, at least they’re your whisker hairs.  Maybe.

Brian: Unless you’ve been on the mic before me of course.

Me: That is always a possibility.  Wow.  So, see — not only are the general Joe Shmoes at home making a ham sandwich gonna have trouble with his beard — getting it hung up on his attire.  As a musician, [a beard] gets hung up on the microphone.  So, ladies and gentlemen — trouble everywhere.

Brian: [Nodding in resounding agreement]

Me: You are a musician, who are some people you listen to that some of our listeners might be interested in?

Brian: A good Beardy out there is John Mark McMillan.  I mean he’s got a firm, solid beard.

Me: Typically worn with like a white V-neck too, like he just walked out of his house on to stage somewhere.

Brian: That’s just how he rolls.  American Apparel deep V — that’s just how it goes down in the South, you know?  I think he’s from the South…

Me: Well I can attest to this Brian, you are a Beardy, so you are a musician that folks can follow.  Can they pick up your music anywhere?

Brian: Yeah, absolutely.  Depending upon when you are listening to this, I have a brand new worship project coming out January 4th.  It will be on iTunes and Amazon or whatever else like that.  Yeah, check it out.  January 4th is the release date.  BrianWurzell.com.  W-U-R-Z-E-L-L.

Me: [Pathetically attempts a German pronunciation of Brian's last name]

Brian: [Corrects me]

Me: Sorry.  What’s the name of the album?

Brian: It’s called Grace Ocean. It’s a little 10 song worship project.

Me: Brian, thank you for your time and good luck with your beard.

Brian: Keep growing it.

To get to all of the glorious gems from my chat with Brian Wurzell, click below for the full one-on-one interview.

Of all of my friends with beards, David Blackwell has the strongest, meanest, fullest and loudest beard I know.  David is a burly man, quick with a word and quick with a hammer.  He is skilled in many of the ancient arts — but his greatest skill is that of beard growing.  I think that he can grow a full beard in 5 seconds.  I almost witnessed it once, but I fainted from beholding its glory.

Me: David, it happens to be the month of November.  Do you know what is special about this month?

David: I do, It is No-Shave November.

Me: Ladies and gentlemen, let it be known that David Blackwell is a Beardy.  He’s got quite a beard.  He commented the other day that his beard is so thick that when he leans his head down… [to David] your beard does what to your bottom lip?

David: It just kind of gets in there.  Kind of pokes me in the mouth a little bit — pokes me in the chest [gestures to chest] area.

Me: So your beard is dangerous, that is what you are trying to say?

David: Violent and dangerous.

Me: David, you look like you had a beard when you were 4.  Do you remember when you first started sprouting facial hair?

David: [Laughs at the very notion of having a beard when he was 4 years of age] I definitely remember when I started sproutin’ facial hair.  8th grade was the first time I shaved, so I probably started budding out little Goldilocks hairs around the 7th grade.

Me: So did you sport the Thinstache or did you just go with the full beard?

David: Well, I mean there were little hairs everywhere, you know?  It was the beginnings of what I have now.  The first shave — I took it all off.  I didn’t leave the Crustache to hang around there at all.

Me: 8th grade is pretty early to start sprouting a nice set of beard hairs.  Did some of your male friends at the time — were they jealous of your facial hair or were they about the same as you?

David: You know, I don’t know…  I feel like I was maybe one of the first in my group of friends to start shaving.  But they all followed suit shortly thereafter.  I mean, you know, when the fuzz starts glowing in the sun — it’s time to do something about it.

Me: What do you find the most troubling about having a beard other than the occasional hair in your mouth?

David: I would say the answer’s gotta be two-fold… One big problem I am having here lately — with the length of my beard — are the random pokes I get around the neck area — the chest.  Just feeling hair touch you in places that you’ve never felt before… is quite an odd thing.

Me: [Raucousing amounts of ludicrous laughter]

David: Part number two is — I am sure you’ve heard this before — trying to eat things.  Cheese dip.  For chips.  Like chips and salsa.  A little queso or something… The other day, I rub my face at the end of the day — had pancakes for breakfast — I’ve got dried syrup in my beard.  No one told me about that.  Do you know how hard it is to get dried syrup out of a beard like this [gestures to beard]?

Me: I do know, because I too have a beard.  I also know the effects of dairy on a beard — where you get the old milk smell.  When you kind of purse your lip up and you can smell your ‘Stache?  It’s pretty gross.

David: It’s absolutely disgusting.  That’s kind of a fear I have.  That the hair on my lip and around my mouth will smell and I will be in a place where I can’t get it off…

Me: …or it will be so bad that people will actually smell your beard.

David: [Nods approvingly]

Me: Do you have any words of encouragement for our fellow Beardies out there that might be on the fence about No-Shave November?

David: I’ve found that one of the greatest benefits of having a beard is that it’s better than having a concealed weapons permit.  The safety that it gives you — the confidence that you can walk around knowing that you have something that some men just frankly cannot and will not ever have.

Me: Wow.  Thanks David.

David: Yep — no problem Kev.

To get to all of the pearls of wisdom from my chat with David Blackwell, click below for the full interview.

Next charity: water update will be Wednesday.

Happy anniversary to my beard (photo at left features my immediate post-Israel beard).
This time last year, I was loading up and headed for Israel where my life would be cut in half — the time before being Israel and the time after being in Israel.
It was that huge.
I went with a good friend of mine, Stuart, and I came back with many more friends — all dusty and Ancient.

That being said, I would like to list 10 things I learned this year about having a beard:

1.  Beards keep you company.  When you think you are alone, think again — your beard is there to comfort you.
2.  Having a beard makes you almost immediately trustworthy, even though it hides most of your face.
3.  If your friend (guy or gal) is unable to grow a beard, you can shave yours (not all the way), and give it to them to apply with spirit gum.
4.  When people see your beard, they instantly want to lend you money, their car or their house on the beach.
5.  If beards could talk, they wouldn’t need to say anything.
6.  Beards can talk, they just choose to remain silent.
7.  Having to shave was a result of sin in the Garden of Eden.
8.  When someone is taking a group photo that you are in, the photographer never has to ask people to smile — they are already smiling at your beard.
9.  Once I saw a man robbed of his beard at gunpoint.  That man died moments later.
10.  If everyone in the world grew a beard at the same time, the planet would implode.

Are there things you’ve learned after having grown a beard (or not being able to grow a beard)?

Fact: Beards are bulletproof
Fact: Beards lend themselves to instant trustworthiness

Thanks to a good friend of mine, Ben Brown, I now can hit people up for millions of dollars.  I can ask to borrow their car for extended periods of time.
I can wave a loaded gun through the air and no one will be concerned…thanks to my beard.
That’s right.
A recent study shows that among bearded and clean-shaven men, fellow Beardies were generally deemed more credible, had greater expertise and significantly more trustworthy than Slickface McGhees.
That being said, can I borrow a few bucks?  I am good for it (wink).

It is not very often that I get the chance to actually speak with someone of such renown.  Nate Rector has been mentioned in nearly every episode of The Trouble with Beards.  Every reference has to do with his amazing beard abilities.  Today, you get to experience the man, the myth — the beard.
By the way, Nate sounds pretty jacked-up at first because I had him put on headphones and listen to his own voice with a slight delay.  The effect is hilarious — he sounds like he has some serious problems.

Me: You have a beard, and you’ve been a topic of discussion before on The Trouble with Beards — Tyler Stanton and I have talked about you, maybe Walter Howard and I — the main focus, the main thrust where you always come up is the Wraparound.  Can you tell us what the Wraparound is?

Nate: (Laughing hysterically at his own voice.) I can.  I have the unfortunate blessing of being able to connect my beard hair with my neck hair.  The barber has to make a decision when he’s trimming my neck (More laughter.) …sorry.  Sorry.  About…wheneezee… (Again, more laughter.) Alright.  …about when he’s done trimming my neck and when he’s begun trimming my back.  It’s pretty embarrassing.

Me: So you take your shirt off at the barber?

Nate: No, but the neck of my crew necks does get stretched out.   A lot — as the barber just goes further and further south…(Voice trails.)

Me: Yikes.  So, it sounds like you get some pretty personal treatment from your barber.

Nate: I do.  Umm…uhh…hot…it’s not whipped cream, shaving cream, right?

Me: Wow.

Nate: (Laughter rising.) …and some whipped cream… Uh, Hal is — he’s got soft hands.  So he puts it on my neck and does a straight razor shave (Overwhelmed  with giddiness.)…

Me: Again, a reminder, Nate is hearing his voice on delay.  That’s why he sounds insane.

Nate: (Lots of grinning and nodding.)

Me: Nate, how do you determine where your beard line is?  You do have a Wraparound, but you are a Connector as well — where your chest hair will come up and shake hands with your beard.

Nate: I am a proud Connector.  Um, I joooish…that was funny…I just shave low enough so that there aren’t any escapees from my t-shirts.

Me: And escapees are?

Nate: Long hairs a la Burt Reynolds — that are creeping out of my shirt.

Me: So you just don’t want chest hair poking out of the top of your t-shirt — that’s what you are saying?

Nate: Right.

Me: You’ve probably had facial hair for a very long time.  I am guessing you started shaving in the 2nd grade — you are that burly.  What are some of the things that you’ve found particularly troubling with your beard?

Nate: Just for the record — I also, in addition to a beard, regularly French-kissed in 2nd grade as well.  Whuzz… (Voice trailing.)

Me: That’s an interesting side note.

Nate: I was kind of a lady-killer, know what I mean?

Me: Because you had a ‘stache in the 2nd grade?

Nate: Irresistible.

Me: Mhmm…

Nate: I forgot the question.

Me: Trouble with beards…what trouble have you experienced with your beard?

Nate: (Attempting to answer.) …can I get rid of these headphones now?

Me: Go ahead and take them off.

Nate: (Taking off headphones.) Everybody answers with the stock answer of “itchiness”, and you do have to power through that.  Everybody has to establish a jaw-line — where they are going to shave.  I actually have to establish a cheek-line as well.  I actually shave in between my eyes and my beard.

Me: So you have whiskers to the tops of your cheekbone?

Nate: Right, so I have to pick a good spot for a nice thick beard that doesn’t look like a chinstrap beard on my cheeks.

Me: Wow.  See, these are the things that regular folk are unaware of.  They pass people with beards all the time, and they never consider the trouble they go to just to step out the door — just to get themselves together in the morning.  So do you trim your beard every morning?  Is that sort of your morning routine?  And if you don’t, do you have whiskers on your eyelids?

Nate: I trim every 2 or 3 days, depending on how sloppy I am willing to look that day.  No out of control whiskers — I just look homeless if I don’t take care of it.

Me: I can see how that would happen.  Because you, like many other Beardies — not like me, but other Beardies have the uncanny ability to willingly make their facial hair grow.  I cannot.  The hair you see on my face, I started in September.  I still look like I have the mange, would you agree?

Nate: (Laughing at my sparse and inadequate beard.) Yes.  Yes.  It’s a championship beard for a 16-year old.  It’s wonderful.

Me: Well, you stink Nate.  Thanks a lot.

Nate: I don’t know what to say.

Me: That was a perfect ending.

To get to all of the jewels out of this conversation with Nate, double-click below for the full interview.

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It is rare that I have the privilege to interview someone who has never had a beard in their entire life.  I was excited to see the fire in Jamal’s eyes and the fire in his beard when I asked him to talk about his maiden beard venture.  After I asked him for an interview, I threw a blanket over his head and rolled him around on the floor in an attempt to snuff the flames from his new beard.

Me: I am interviewing Jamal Quattlebaum who is new to the beard world.  Jamal, let’s first of all establish something.  What is your name, because “Jamal” is not officially your first name, true?

Jamal: True.  Brunson is my first name and Jamal is the middle.

Me: Brunson — is that a family name?

Jamal: Uh, no.  It’s not actually.

Me: It’s just a completely made up name?

Jamal: Exactly.

Me: May I call you Brunson?

Jamal: Yes, yes you may.

Me: I’m just going to stick with Jamal.  You are new to the beard world, is that true?

Jamal: That’s very true actually.

Me: So the hair that I am seeing right now is completely new to everyone in your world – all of your friends, your family members, but in particular…myself.

Jamal: It is very new.  I get comments about it all the time (proudly puffs up his chest).

Me: Now Jamal, you are an African American is that true?

Jamal: That’s very true.

Me: It is true.  (Looking at Jamal) I am looking at you right now.  What has been your trouble with beards?

Jamal: It gets kind of tangled at times and there is always something in it.  Those are the main 2 things I am finding lately.

Me: Jamal, you are also a good dresser — you dress well.  Do you find that you keep your beard more in check in relation to what you are wearing or do you let it go crazy and it just works?

Jamal: Definitely more in check with what I am wearing rather than just letting it go.  It has to be combed out and straight looking as much as possible.

Me: Because you dress so nicely, quite sharp at times, have you ever noticed that your beard hairs get stuck in the zipper of your [fancy] jackets?  Has that ever happened?

Jamal: Yes, recently it has.  It felt like it pulled out 10 of them, but they are all still there.  It just hurt really bad.

Me: Is that something that you make known to everyone around you or do you quietly jerk your head away from the source of the pain?

Jamal: I just quietly jerk my head away from it because it is slightly embarrassing to me, I don’t know why.  I just handle the situation and move on.

Me: It is a little known fact that people with beards have to deal with that  Their beard hairs get caught in their jackets and they just have to pull them out.

Jamal: That’s very true.

Me: Jamal, do you have any advice for new Beardies?

Jamal: Make it past the itching phase and you’re good.  It just grows naturally and it’s pretty great.  Stick through it.

Me: Jamal, because you are such a stylish fellow, do you find that the shape of your beard matters?  Are you looking at ways to craft it or are you just letting it grow wherever the hair is?

Jamal: The shape of my beard does matter.  I want to keep it trimmed and neat as well as keeping it established as a beard and not a ridiculous moustache.

Me: I can tell that you take very good care of your beard.  Welcome to the beard world.  (Proudly shaking his hand) Thanks Jamal or Brunson or Quattlebaum.

Jamal: Thank you.

To get to all of the nuggets out of this conversation with Jamal, double-click below for the full interview.

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Tyler Stanton and I have been friends for many years.  We occasionally meet in Commerce, GA.  I call it our Commerce Mandate.  It makes it sounds official as if I have some serious business that needs my attention.  Someone asks, “What are you doing tonight?” and I can say boldly, “I have to attend to a Commerce Mandate.”  They nod in amazement.

(A Starbucks employee just informed us that we have 10 minutes until closing.  I tell her “cool” and Tyler takes a big swill from his cooling coffee)

Me: Tyler, right now you are sporting a pseudo beard.  In the length of time that I’ve known you, I don’t think I have ever seen a fat beard on you.  Is that true?

Tyler: I feel like — I mean we’ve known each other for awhile — I feel like I’ve had a number of beards throughout that time.

Me: No.  Never.  It’s been pretty much this (pointing to Tyler’s chin area).  The beard you are sporting looks like you forgot to shave this morning.

Tyler: I typically shave every fourth day.  Around day 2.5/3, it gets to be pretty awful.

Me: You have the uncanny ability to grow a 3 o’clock shadow.

Tyler: I started shaving when I was probably…11?

Me: Was that out of need or because you wanted to be a “shaver”?

Tyler: A little bit of both.  I think that I thought I was awesome at the time.  I had the ‘stache problem early on.

Me: We call that the Thinstache.

Tyler: Well, I had the Thinstache probably in 5th or 6th grade.  I was an early developer.  I thought I was awesome then…

(The oppressively loud sound of grinding fills the store)

Tyler: …sorry, I can’t concentrate anymore because of the espresso that is being made with 8 minutes left.  I forgot what I was saying.

Me: (Apparently thinking like an Austrailian) No worries.  You are also a Connector too, right?

Tyler: Do you connect?

Me: (Hanging head in shame)  Not at all.

Tyler: Well, you have a bare chest, don’t you?

Me: …yeah…

Tyler: People like Nate [Rector], Walter Howard, Jody — I think all of those guys can relate to what I am going through.  You have to choose a line and just go with it.

Me: You do a blog and I think you did a post about the beard line… you had some equation?

Tyler: It’s an equation that’s quite simple, but I feel like when dads teach their kids to shave, they should have it in their back pocket.

Me: I really didn’t understand the equation.

Tyler: The equation is this:  Beard Line < Jaw Line.  (Goes on to explain equation)  I feel like a bad beard line can make your somewhat fat neck look like a really fat neck.  Nobody wants that.  That’s where I gain weight is the neck region — first.  So whenever I gain weight…

Me: …it goes straight to the neck?

Tyler: (Nodding)  Straight to the neck.  It’s…  The jowell…

Me: That just sounds pretty gross.

Tyler: It’s a problem.

Me: Alright, we’re done here I think.

(Same Starbucks employee approaches our table to inform us that of the easily 2 minutes we actually have remaining, we are now out of time.  I protest and Tyler slowly looks to the floor and offers a sarcastic remark.)

To get to all of the nuggets out of this conversation with Tyler, double-click below for the full interview.

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Fact: Bearded men heal faster than the average woman.
Fact: Bearded men are more prone to facial dandruff than our smooth counterparts.

I have never been one to struggle with dandruff.  When I was younger, I sometimes used my father’s shampoo which was Head and Shoulders and every once and again, Selsun Blue.  Maybe it was because of my infrequent use of these products that I never struggled with dandruff.  At any rate, it was an embarrassing day for me when I noticed that there was a man in a coffee shop whose beard was filled with flakes of dry skin.  It wasn’t embarrassing for me because of the facial dandruff, it was embarrassing because I had just urinated in my pants from laughing at a friend who fell into a trash can.  The facial dandruff was bad, but not embarrassing for me.  Remember?  I have never been one to struggle with dandruff.