Announcer: You are listening to 1010, WKEV FM. Up next, Where are They Now? with host, Corby Tender.
Corby: Welcome to Where are They Now? I am your host, Corby Tender, and joining me in the studio is… Jart? Mr. Jart? How should I refer to you?
Jart: Jart is fine.
Corby: Great. So, Jart – what is it like to…
Jart’s Attorney: (Interrupting) You don’t have to answer that Mr. Jart.
Corby: I haven’t even asked a question yet.
Jart’s Attorney: (Nodding with eyes closed) I understand that Mr. Tender, but we all know where this is going.
Corby: (Covering microphone) Listen Mr. [muffled]… there is no way that we [muffled]… so, we are not going to do this. Got [muffled]… I don’t give a [muffled]… this is going to happen.
Jart: (Laughs nervously and dismisses attorney) Sorry about that. Just a habit. I know I promised you an exclusive so… I think you were asking about our color scheme, right? Like did we always come in red and yellow or yellow and…
Corby: No, before I was interrupted by your attorney, I was going to ask why in the heck did you think you were a good idea?
Jart: Well, it wasn’t me that thought I was a good idea. I am well aware that I wasn’t the “lawn precision” game I was made out to be. More like “your drunken uncle’s favorite game.”
Corby: Yeah, like everyone was laughing at Uncle Ernie until he was pulling you out of his thigh. Just a flesh wound, right?
Jart: Heh. Yeah. Right.
Corby: Tell me about your ride. The rush of fame.
Jart: Well, I had several well-known companies that marketed me. Regent, Crown – even Hasbro. They all said I was safer than baseball if used correctly.
Corby: Then what happened?
Jart: Well, I started showing up in everyone’s yard. Back yard, front yard – didn’t matter. If there was a stretch of green, I was pulled out to get the party started.
Corby: This was during the 80′s, yes?
Jart: Yeah. It was the era of Reagan and times were good. That is… until someone decided… decided…
Corby: …decided to make things more interesting?
Jart: (Looking down) Exactly.
Jart: And the rest is history. I was banned in 1988, never more to feel the rush of air against my fins… (Beginning to cry)
Corby: This is hard for you. I can see that.
Jart: (Now weeping) I just wanted to fly. That’s all. I just wanted to feel the wind on my metal… not the backside of JIMMY’S CLAVICLE!!
Corby: Woah. Easy there, Jart. Just breathe. In… and out…
Jart: (Trying to calm and follow Corby’s breathing)
Corby: There now. That’s better.
Jart: I just have one wish.
Corby: What’s that? To take back all the pain you’ve caused?
Jart: Yes. Of course… but also – also, to fly again. Just one more time.
Corby: (Looks at Jart)
Jart: Would you mind?
Corby: Not at all. Folks – this is a first here on WKEV. A repentant Jart flies one last time.
Jart: (Wipes tear)
Corby: (Rises and takes Jart carefully by the handle. With a few practice swings, Jart is heaved through the studio)
Jart: (Giggling through his tears) Look’me. I’m flying. I’m flying! Just like I used… (Jart smashes through the studio glass and plunges into the arm of the WKEV announcer)
Corby: Oh [muffled]!!!
Announcer: (The sounds of scrambling feet, shuffling furniture and glass shards being trodden upon fills the airwaves) Uh… (coughs) We hope you’ve enjoyed… uh… Where are They Now? with host, Corby Tender. (Whispering) There’s a lot of blood here guys… (Normal studio voice) If you have lost track of someone or something through the years, uh… contact our 1010 WKEV studios and let us know. You can e-mail us at email@example.com or leave your comment below. (Covering mic with hand) Somebody call the [muffled]!!!