After hiring a team of untrained monkeys to randomly pick a name from the comment section, they have finally come to an agreement.
Congratulations to Marie!
Soon, your inbox will have information for you to download this amazing album from The Decemberists.

Thanks to all who commented and feel free to drop-in anytime.
Just bring your own silverware.
And beverages.

Fame is not for everyone.
Notoriety is not for the faint of heart, because it brings attention – and sometimes, it can bring lots of it.
Attention from many people, and on rare occasions, from one strange individual.
So, just in case I should ever make it big, here is a letter to my future stalker.

Dear My Future Stalker,

While I am flattered at all of your attention, I want you to know that we are not related.
Also, next time I get a “family” portrait in the mail, I would prefer it if you were to leave my eyes looking normal instead of being etched out and filled with red pen.
To answer one of your recent questions you posted on my fan site – no. You may not have any of my beard clippings, my hair clippings or toenail clippings for your “project.”
In addition, you should know that you might get tazed the next time you jump out at me when I am walking out of a Lakers game whilst pushing my buddy Jack Nicholson in his hover-chair (Jack loves his Lakers. I go to humour him.)
Here’s an idea – tonight, while you are watching reruns of Downton Abbey and practicing taxidermy on your cats, how about taking the night off and not write me another letter in your own saliva? Just a thought. Besides, they never get to me and because of copious samples of your DNA, I know exactly who you are (and you also have mono BTW).

Anyway, I hope all is well with you and please get a copy of my next book that will be a movie that I also wrote, directed and in which I will be playing the lead. Again.

Sincerely,
Kevin

1. Who or what company do you think has a solid brand? Why do you think so?
2. Would you share your toothbrush with anyone? Are there certain qualifications as to whom you lend your toothbrush?
3. Do you still listen to vinyl albums? If so, do you have a favourite and why?

Follow me to the comment section…

Those of you who answer today’s questions will be entered in a drawing to win the album “The King is Dead” by The Decemberists.
This drawing will close on Thursday, February 2.

I don’t know how many of you use Google Voice, but it is a great tool. Basically, it generates a phone number for you that you can use in a variety of ways. You can send calls to that number, directly to your cell phone. You can also include your friends or business associates so that they too get calls to that number.

One of its coolest and sometimes funniest features is the voicemail transcript function. Google will text you a transcript of the voicemail.
Sometimes it is dead on, other times – not so much.
Below, I offer you evidence of the “other times.”
I call it a Google Voice Spasm.

Was this transcript useful Google Voice?
No.
No it was not.

Do you use Google Voice?
How are you using it?

Now that Apple has changed how we read and publish books with iBooks Author, there no doubt will be a swarm of new “authors” that fill the space with their brain compost. Of course, there will be many rubbish books that contain sentences made of words that should never be that close together in a thought. Therefore, how do you stand out in this red ocean of contemporary “wordsmiths?”
Read on and add to the list.

1. Come up with a cool pen name
Make it flashy or scary. Something like Stephen Stalker or Killer Kevin Miller.

2. Add lots of photos
People love seeing themselves, so why not let them enjoy tons of photos of you! Bring them along for the 36 photo slideshow of when you visited your aunt in Deleware. Or when your dog went outside and you took 45 photos of the event.

3. Use funny video
Of course, you really need to sell this aspect of the iBook. Be sure that you are using your built-in camera, clutter the background behind you, and sing several songs from your favourite artist. Be sure to tell lots of jokes too.

4.  Make sure they see your iBook’s value
Nothing says value more than charging $9.99 for your introspective odyssey.

5. When in doubt, copy and paste
If you are struggling with writer’s block, don’t worry. There are so many books out there that no one is reading, they won’t know your book called “Considerable Assumptions” is actually an F. Scott Fitzgerald classic!

What else will make budding authors stand out?

Remember how toys used to be dangerous and fun? Remember when toy makers made crap ads and crap toys but you didn’t care because your rich friend on the bus had one of those toys? Remember when using a toy may or may not make you look like you had some sort of handicap? Behold the Swing Wing.

It’s possible you may have seen this video series online.
But if you have not beheld the erratic majesty of a man on a buffalo, you have not begun to live.
Please – quiet the dog.
Send your friends home.
Put down that book.
Whatever you are doing, stop – and cast your eyes upon a dude riding around on a buffalo, doing stuff.

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

One of the best things in the world: being outside in the extreme cold and finding plenty of kindling near your fire pit.
One of the worst things in the world: being outside in the extreme cold and finding your frostbitten finger next to the stack of kindling near your fire pit.

Hi.
My name is Beckey Kelsey, and I am a professional flower girl.
That’s right – you can hire me to come down the aisle right before the magnificent bride.
Please see my credential below and contact me today to get me, Beckey Kelsey, as your PROFESSIONAL FLOWER GIRL!!!

Name
Beckey Kelsey

Age
34

Experience
While I have never actually been married, I have been to many wedding events.
My dad uses me as the flower girl in his weddings, which have become a yearly event it seems.
The most recent was the wedding of daddy and that old bat Pearl.
The way things are going, I should be in one next month.

Education
Some

Other
If you want me to do your wedding, please know that I smoke.
A lot.
In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if you were to complain – but it’s all good!
The big day is not about me, right? It’s about the lovely couple, so no one will really notice me anyways.

What People Are Saying About Beckey Kelsey
“I have no idea why she is doing this.”
- Aunt Maggie
“Is this a joke?”
- Some bride at a wedding I was at
“She is the most adorable thing ever!”
- my daddy!

Contact Info
I don’t have a cell phone right now.

When you were growing up, were you known for something awesome? Did your pals say, “Hey! Here comes ol’ [enter cool name based upon something you do]!” Did you have a moniker on the back of your intramural jersey?
If you answered “no” to these questions – you need a nickname.
Today, I offer you tips on acquiring a nickname that will stick.

1. Set something on fire.
This works especially well if your name starts with the letter “P.” For example, “Pyro Pete.” See how easy it is?

2. Start signing official documents with your desired nickname.
Nothing gets the attention of people of note faster than when you sign your foreclosure with “Hot Rod McDonald.” Hey – they might even let you keep your house!

3. Have custom printed t-shirts made.
This one is tricky. After having these shirts made, you’ll want to wear them all the time. Even at your fancy law office. It may cost you your job, but hey – what is it worth to you?

4. Forge newspaper articles with Photoshop about your high school exploits
This is cake. If you are a monkey you could do this. And, you can create some fun memories to share in the process – especially how “Streak” scored that goal in the last few seconds.

Good luck with your journey to nickname infamy.
If you have any other ideas, leave them here!