My next charity: water update will be Wednesday. Plan on sharing a story or two. You have a week, make today count.

Say “goodbye” to neck pain as well as all of your potential mates with the Neck Air-Traction System!

Guy: Hey girl, would you like to perform some kissing?
Gal: You know that I would.  Let us proceed with this plan now.
Guy: You said it girl.  But hang on — gotta give my neck muscles a rest.
[Proceeds to inflate the Neck Air-Traction System]
Guy: That’s much better.  Now I can really relax.
Gal: I thought you were relaxed — you kept falling asleep at dinner.
Guy: I wasn’t relaxed, my neck was actually giving out.  My neck muscles have actually weakened since I started using this. [Points to neck] Enough of that, let us move forward with all of the kissing.
Gal: Umm…okay.
Guy: Wait — this is for you.
[Girl opens package containing the Neck Air-Traction System]
Guy: Whattya think, girl?
[Girl roundhouse kicks guy in the neck causing the Neck Air-Traction System to explode, and leaves]
Guy: Good thing I had this thing on.
[Guy's head drops due to weak muscles and a broken heart]

For more Bottom of the Barrel Bin posts, click here.

Have you found a Bottom of the Barrel Bin product? If so, send a link or a photo of the item. I really want to see it. Send it to 11ty@kevinkeigley.com

What were they thinking?

Marketing Guy 1: Well, I’ve got some bad news.  General Mills is not buying this whole [finger quotes] “caveman idea.”
Marketing Guy 2: What do we do?
Marketing Guy 1: Great question, Jenkins.  I have a friend who knows a lot about cigarettes — says that their cool and refreshing menthol is good for your throat — that they are a great way to make you look trendy and fashionable.
Marketing Guy 2: Tell me more, Harvey!
Marketing Guy 1: Keep your suspenders on, Jenkins.  Let’s just get these Flintsone’s cigarette ads knocked out.
Marketing Guy 2: Harvey!  What about Jack Daniels sponsoring the Jetsons?
Marketing Guy 1: Jenkins — I think you are gonna run this place some day.
[Jenkins smiles and puts his gun in his holster as they exit the board room]

What is the worst ad campaign you have ever seen?

Hey movie theatres!  Why are you still reminding us that you have snacks and beverages available in the lobby?  When I just want to watch a 15 minute block of commercials I can see at home and when I want to almost be recruited by the military, why would I care to see another reminder about your $15 box of Sour Patch Kids?  Or even your ginormous and gluttonous bin of popcorn (with free refills)? Or your refreshing and delicious tubs of Coca Cola?  Chill out, okay?  I already paid $400 dollars for my seat and the sticky floor that surrounds it.  I think that should suffice.

I saw this ad in a South Carolina publication.  I wonder what the answer is to that question?  I wonder what did happen the last time you went to a funeral home and asked for cremation?  Did the funeral director get pissed and throw a flower arrangement at you before tossing you out on the sidewalk?  Was there general mockery that took place?  Did the funeral director laugh and then grab the lady in the photo and cremate her to teach a lesson?  Was her name Doris and is that the last known photo of her?  Or maybe the the guys at the funeral home simply say, “Okay.  No problem.”

What did happen the last time you went to the funeral home and asked for cremation?

(By the way, if you go to their website, you will find way too much information.  Unless you are in need of cremation services.  If that is the case, I am sorry for your loss.)

Have you ever been caught with both hands full and you wish you could hold your Blackberry upside so you couldn’t read it?  Have you ever wanted to wear something on your hand that makes people think you just had surgery and that you are wearing some sort of rehab device?  Have you ever had an aching desire to be able to show how much cash you are carrying as well as display your credit cards and identification?  If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, you need Freehand.  The Freehand is for that special someone who thinks actually holding something like a real human being is for suckers.  So stop holding your change in your hand — that is so 19th century.  Order Freehand today!

As a dear friend and I cleaned out an old barn at my house, we made many discoveries.  We found a crocodile skin (neck to tail — someone took the head), old records, vintage copies of Outdoor Life (and many other titles), and for whatever reason, thousands of sea shells.  Apparently, the previous occupants of my home stored their treasures in that barn and then forgot to take them when they moved.

As we were going through the boxes and the mounds of rodent feces, one magazine caught my eye (my eye that was caked with dust and was burning).  I began to peruse the 1960′s magazine called Pageant.  The pages fell open to an ad that most definitely would not appear in any publication today.  I will let the ad speak for itself.

The thing I find most intriguing about this product is the sales pitch — The Shirtpocket Underwater Camcorder.  Apparently, there have been one too many instances where people have been diving with their family or friends, and they have reached to their shirtpocket only to find it empty.  To their disappointment, there was no underwater camcorder in existence that would fit in their shirtpocket to record memories whilst diving.  If only there were such an invention.  Well, rest easy now my diving-in-a-shirt-with-a-pocket friends — it is available for the low, low price of $199.95.  Maybe soon someone will invent sunglasses that you wear while you sleep, or better yet, a holster for your cell phone for when you are walking through fire.

I am not proud of it, but I purchased the Shamwow.  It was an impulse buy after having endured several ridiculous infomercials featuring Vince, the annoying space alien from Brooklyn.
Being the father of 6 kids, I am used to spills.  Milk, water, juice, more milk…there are lots of fluids running to and fro in my home quite often.
While in all of the late-night ad blitzes the Shamwow is shown soaking up small bodies of water, lakes and oceans, I have found that the Shamwow works almost as good as a normal human-style towel.
So remember — when your resolve has been defeated by such a late hour and several bags of chips, chances are, you have a perfectly good towel in a drawer waiting to be used.
And it won’t cost you $20 or your dignity.

What have you purchased that makes you hang your head in shame?
Please tell so that we can feel better about ourselves.