A recent report said that Justin Bieber, from this point on known as Biebs, was accused of punching a 12 year old boy at a laser tag center in Canada. I am sure it went something like this…
[Satellite view of America's hat (Canada). Camera quickly zooms into Mountie the Moose Laser Tag Center and Arcade. Hilarity ensues.]
Biebs: (While running through a smoke-filled, strobelit arena) I was like baby, baby, baby yeah… (shoots laser gun) BOOM eat that less-than-me! …baby, baby, baby wooo-oooo… (shoots laser gun again) ZAP! You are so dead normal teen!
Normal Teen 1: Why do you have to be like that? Why can’t you just play and be cool about it, eh? Why do you have to be all like, “Boom!” and “Zap!” and “Death to all people that are not me!”?
Biebs: (Stops in his tracks and pounds a Fruit Roll-Up and a Capri Sun) What did you say to me?
Normal Teen 1: I said, basically, why are you being so hardcore, eh?
Biebs: (Snort-laughs and orders a pizza from the concession stand by means of Skype) What do you know? You are just some normal teen without a hit record.
Normal Teen 1: I am just sayin’… I mean, me and my friends come here every Saturday afternoon to blow our money that we made cutting wood. Today we get here and there is an entourage of bodyguards all over. My friend got kicked out of the bouncy ball room for having the name Justin. What gives?
Biebs: (Tweeting how much he loves to have girlfriends) What gives? What gives?! I do! Every time I open my mouth, it is like a gift from the heavens.
Normal Teen 1: Don’t you just want to live a normal life?
Biebs: (Ordering a Relaxation Capsule from Amazon with his Smart phone) Kid, I do live a normal life. I wake up and put on my jeans made from gorilla hair just like everyone else — one pop star leg at a time.
Normal Teen 1: Do you even hear what you are saying?
Biebs: (Adjusting his earpiece) Why, do you hear that feedback sound too?
Normal Teen 2: Hey Justin! Can I take your picture for my girlfriend? She’ll never bel…
Biebs: (Interrupting) You mean my girlfriend!
[Biebs winds up and lands a weak blow on the thigh of Normal Teen 2]
Normal Teen 2: What was that?
Biebs: (To the nearest bodyguard) Burn this one down too…
Bodyguard: You heard him boys, light it up!
[Everyone is evacuated from Mountie the Moose Laser Tag and Arcade as it burns to the ground.]
Biebs: (Blasting into the sky on his jet pack while still gripping his laser tag gun) I love you… (Wipes away tear)
[Siren noise and fade to black]