As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: You, a man, go to the restroom and emerge 20 minutes later much to the disappointment of your lady.

Mancode #313: Extended bathroom time doesn’t mean that your lady’s cooking was awful or that your late night Taco Bell run is ringing your doorbell (though sometimes that is exactly the case). While no one besides a man (namely a woman) would understand, it is important to embrace this Mancode for the betterment of the world.

Extended bathroom time allows:
1. Reading Time
Sometimes men set about reading an entire book while in the restroom. Tolstoy, even read in small increments, still makes us smarter.
2. Quiet Time
There is a point in a man’s day where he just needs some quiet. A boy-crazy teenage daughter will not bother her daddy while he is “busy.”
3. Catching Up on World Events Time
That rustling of paper isn’t cheap toilet tissue, it’s the Wall Street Journal, baby. Or maybe the comics.
4. Rest Time
A man can’t clean the whole house without an occasional rest, can he? No, he cannot.
5. Angry Birds Time
That’s it. He’s playing Angry Birds. Where he cannot be shamed. Unless someone ignores the sound of the fan, opens the door anyway to discover a man, his iPad and his downed trousers at the base of his hairy legs.

Men – our bathroom time is important to us.
Help me explain why bathroom time is critical.
(Ladies – feel free to vent)