Just something I created to convey a little bit of truth.

Since it is in fact, No-Shave November, there is going to be a lot more beard attention this month.
My friend Burton Williams sent me this little jewel of beard contest nostalgia.

Thank you Burton!

Fact: Beards are bulletproof
Fact: Beards lend themselves to instant trustworthiness

Thanks to a good friend of mine, Ben Brown, I now can hit people up for millions of dollars.  I can ask to borrow their car for extended periods of time.
I can wave a loaded gun through the air and no one will be concerned…thanks to my beard.
That’s right.
A recent study shows that among bearded and clean-shaven men, fellow Beardies were generally deemed more credible, had greater expertise and significantly more trustworthy than Slickface McGhees.
That being said, can I borrow a few bucks?  I am good for it (wink).

It is rare that I have the privilege to interview someone who has never had a beard in their entire life.  I was excited to see the fire in Jamal’s eyes and the fire in his beard when I asked him to talk about his maiden beard venture.  After I asked him for an interview, I threw a blanket over his head and rolled him around on the floor in an attempt to snuff the flames from his new beard.

Me: I am interviewing Jamal Quattlebaum who is new to the beard world.  Jamal, let’s first of all establish something.  What is your name, because “Jamal” is not officially your first name, true?

Jamal: True.  Brunson is my first name and Jamal is the middle.

Me: Brunson — is that a family name?

Jamal: Uh, no.  It’s not actually.

Me: It’s just a completely made up name?

Jamal: Exactly.

Me: May I call you Brunson?

Jamal: Yes, yes you may.

Me: I’m just going to stick with Jamal.  You are new to the beard world, is that true?

Jamal: That’s very true actually.

Me: So the hair that I am seeing right now is completely new to everyone in your world – all of your friends, your family members, but in particular…myself.

Jamal: It is very new.  I get comments about it all the time (proudly puffs up his chest).

Me: Now Jamal, you are an African American is that true?

Jamal: That’s very true.

Me: It is true.  (Looking at Jamal) I am looking at you right now.  What has been your trouble with beards?

Jamal: It gets kind of tangled at times and there is always something in it.  Those are the main 2 things I am finding lately.

Me: Jamal, you are also a good dresser — you dress well.  Do you find that you keep your beard more in check in relation to what you are wearing or do you let it go crazy and it just works?

Jamal: Definitely more in check with what I am wearing rather than just letting it go.  It has to be combed out and straight looking as much as possible.

Me: Because you dress so nicely, quite sharp at times, have you ever noticed that your beard hairs get stuck in the zipper of your [fancy] jackets?  Has that ever happened?

Jamal: Yes, recently it has.  It felt like it pulled out 10 of them, but they are all still there.  It just hurt really bad.

Me: Is that something that you make known to everyone around you or do you quietly jerk your head away from the source of the pain?

Jamal: I just quietly jerk my head away from it because it is slightly embarrassing to me, I don’t know why.  I just handle the situation and move on.

Me: It is a little known fact that people with beards have to deal with that  Their beard hairs get caught in their jackets and they just have to pull them out.

Jamal: That’s very true.

Me: Jamal, do you have any advice for new Beardies?

Jamal: Make it past the itching phase and you’re good.  It just grows naturally and it’s pretty great.  Stick through it.

Me: Jamal, because you are such a stylish fellow, do you find that the shape of your beard matters?  Are you looking at ways to craft it or are you just letting it grow wherever the hair is?

Jamal: The shape of my beard does matter.  I want to keep it trimmed and neat as well as keeping it established as a beard and not a ridiculous moustache.

Me: I can tell that you take very good care of your beard.  Welcome to the beard world.  (Proudly shaking his hand) Thanks Jamal or Brunson or Quattlebaum.

Jamal: Thank you.

To get to all of the nuggets out of this conversation with Jamal, double-click below for the full interview.

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Fact: Bearded men live on average 100% longer than anyone else
Fact: Bearded men must consider the length of their beard when they get a haircut

There is nothing worse for a Beardy who has been sporting his beard for some time than to get a refreshing haircut and enter immediately into a public setting.  Not only is he in a weakened state from having his hair cut, but he is also susceptible to quiet ridicule.  The quiet ridicule takes place when people notice that your hair to beard ratio is way off.  Sometimes, on a lot of Beardys, it can appear as though someone grabbed your head and twisted it upside down.  This is when the hair on your beard is longer and shaggier than the hair on your head.  In beard communities, we call this the Twisted It Upside Down Syndrome, or TIUDS for short.  Most Beardys just say “TUDS”  because to say “TIUDS” just sounds ridiculous.
So remember TIUDS and keep your quiet ridicule to yourself.  Give the Beardy time to make it home and trim and serenely comb his/her face.

I sat down with Jody “Shoebox” Deming one Fall afternoon, and he began to muse upon life, liberty and the pursuit of beards.  His surely is a noble quest as you will find for yourself.

Me: Jody, you are a fellow Beardy, true?

Jody: That is true.

Me: In the length of time that I have known you, this is the first time I have seen you with such an extensive beard.  When did you find that you could start growing a beard?

Jody: (A sheep runs through the room)  When I was 12 years old.

Me: 12 years old?  Did you start growing a beard when you were 12 or did you start with a moustache?

Jody: I had the thin 12 year old moustache for quite a while.  I actually could have shaved and had the beard but I just figured, “No, I will just go with the 12 year old moustache.”  All the chicks were digging it back then.

Me: In beard communities we call that the Thinstache.

Jody: The Thinstache.  That’s exactly right.

Me: Jody, you have talked of a dilemna recently.  You normally shave your head, but you have a beard now.  Have you made any sort of decisions about that?

Jody: I am thinking about being the “shaved head guy with a beard” — that may happen tonight.

Me: I look forward to seeing that tomorrow.

Jody: I live on the edge.

Me: What have you noticed that is troubling about having a beard?

Jody: The traditional troubling thing with beards is the food — that gets caught in here (points to face).  Sometimes I’ll eat a hamburger and a little cheese will get caught in my beard and it just drives me crazy. Where is that cheese smell coming from?

Me: It’s from your face.

Jody: Most of the time.

Me: Have you done any sort of calculating — have you found that you save money by growing a beard instead of shaving?

Jody: I am actually now a millionaire.

Me: So would you recommend that people grow beards?

Jody: No.

Me: Thank you.

For the full interview, double-click below for your listening pleasure.

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The following is an interview with fellow Beardy, Walter Howard.

After having just filled our bellies with food from Zesto’s Grill (your typical Italian/Greek/American restaurant), Walter opened up and shared his heart regarding the highs and the lows of having a beard.

Me: Walter, you and I have known each other for how long now?

Walter: About two years.

Me: I don’t think that’s right, but for the sake of the interview we’re going to press forward.  You are sporting a pretty nice beard, is this something you do every year?

Walter: I usually try it for a little bit — usually about once or twice a year.

Me: Why do you give up?

Walter: (While gently petting a horse)  I usually can’t persevere through the itchy phase.

Me: When did you first realize you could actually grow a beard?

Walter: I think when I was seven.

Me: Seven?  That is pretty early.

Walter: (Approving nod)

Me: Now I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I think that you are a Connector.  By Connector I mean that you can grow a beard all the way down to your chest.  Is that true?

Walter: (Puts saddle on horse)  Unfortunately yes, yes it is.

Me: How do you know where to top shaving?

Walter: (Climbs onto horse and settles into the saddle)  I think it comes down to personal choice.  I mean, everybody decides how far they want the beard to go down.  It’s really about accenting the chin.  You want to draw the chin into it.  When I say, “That’s enough chin”, then usually I shave from there down.

Me: What do you find most troubling about having a beard?

Walter: It’s not as easy as I thought it would be.  I am pretty symmetrical — pretty detailed , so just keeping all those guys under control probably.

Me: So the fact that your beard is not symmetrical, that’s the most troubling part?

Walter: (Visibly irritated)  When it’s not, I mean, the effort of keeping it symmetrical — yes.

Me: Thank you for your time.

Walter: You’re welcome, thank you (Rides into sunset).

For the full interview, double-click below for your listening pleasure.

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The following is an interview with fellow Beardy, Cole Harden

I sat down with Cole at a crowded little coffee joint on the campus of Gardner Webb University.  I have known Cole to sport a pretty fat beard in the past, but this time, his beard was “neatly” trimmed because apparently Cole “needs a job”.

Me: Hi, Kevin here from Broad River Coffee Company right across the street from Gardner Webb University in… are we in North Carolina?

Cole: Yes.

Me: Okay, in North Carolina.  Could you please, for official reasons, state your name — your full name?

Cole: Brian Nicholas Harden, otherwise known as Cole.

Me: Could you please spell that for me?

Cole: (Begins to trouble me by spelling his name)

Me: That’s, that’s good enough.  Could you please describe for me when you realized you had potential to grow a beard?

Cole: Well, I guess I was…15?

Me: 15…that is kind’ve early.  Did you start with the Thinstache or go right for the beard?

Cole: I went all out.  I’m kind’ve lazy so I just kinda went with it to see what would grow.

Me: Now, with your beard, is it a full wrap-around beard that connects from the front to the back or is it mostly confined to the front portion of your body?

Cole: (Offers a humourously puzzled look)

Me: Does it connect with your chest hair?

Cole: No, I wish.  I’m not quite that lucky.

Me: Nor am I.  What have you noticed about having a beard that proves to be troublesome?

Cole: It’s not so much having the beard that’s troublesome.  It’s shaving.

Me: Mhmm.

Cole: That is the troubling part.

Me: So the trouble with your beard is that it interrupts your laziness?

Cole: It does.  It just keeps growing and I can’t do anything about it.

Me: Thanks a lot.

For the full interview, double-click below for your listening pleasure.

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One thing I have noticed about having a beard:  things don’t fall away from your face.  They tend to cling.  And when you finally discover that fact — it is too late.  Everyone saw the crap dangling from your face.

People think that it is easy having a beard.  They think that life is a walk in the park.  They think that things come easy to bearded folk just because we have hair on our faces.  The general public thinks that people with beards possess magic and have pet dragons.  I beg to differ.
In the coming weeks, I plan to discuss the trouble with beards — the highs and the lows of being a man with an abundance of hair on his face.
I would also like to give you a chance to contribute.  If you are dude (or a brave girl) and you have a beard and a story, please send proof of both.
It is time for us to speak.