What do you get the guy who has everything and wants to be a complete tool?
Money Cologne.
I also never knew that money smelled like ocean, citrus, rosemary, grass and get this – precious woods.
What are precious woods?
And I thought liquid money was more like… oil.
Use this product to mask the smell of Swisher Sweets and Axe deodorant.

For more Bottom of the Barrel, click here.

(Because today is Valentine’s Day, this could not be more inappropriately appropriate.)
Does anyone know what is happening in this ad?
Do they even know what they are saying?
Is the company that clueless or did the marketing guy decide to go out in a blaze of glory?
Have the models and the company agreed upon what “it” really is?

For more Bottom of the Barrel, click here.

This ad was made known to me by my friend, Greg Boone.
It was featured in a popular magazine about science.
As I gazed upon the promotional blurb for Gravity Defyer shoes, I couldn’t get one thought out of my mind…

…who was the marketing genius that came up with the official logo?
It sure looks like something that swims in groups of millions — and I am certainly not thinking of tadpoles.

Am I alone in my thinking?

There are some products that should never be made, and MANGROOMER is one of those.  Not only does this product make me slightly embarassed, but it also, without shame, points out the “Private” areas for grooming… as if the person buying this product would need a chart.

Thanks to Austin Wickstrum for seeing (and hopefully not buying) this product.

Next charity: water update will be Wednesday with Keiglet Experiment results

Have you ever awakened in the morning near starving because of a long night’s sleep and didn’t have the time or patience to make some scrambled eggs?
Have you ever been asked to make omelets for 300 people?
Have you ever wondered if there was way to crack an egg without having to use two hands like an old tyme sucker?
Stop hoping, and start living — the EZ Cracker is here.
Now you can crack an egg with one hand, and have your other hand free for more important things.

My next charity: water update will be Wednesday. Plan on sharing a story or two. You have a week, make today count.

Say “goodbye” to neck pain as well as all of your potential mates with the Neck Air-Traction System!

Guy: Hey girl, would you like to perform some kissing?
Gal: You know that I would.  Let us proceed with this plan now.
Guy: You said it girl.  But hang on — gotta give my neck muscles a rest.
[Proceeds to inflate the Neck Air-Traction System]
Guy: That’s much better.  Now I can really relax.
Gal: I thought you were relaxed — you kept falling asleep at dinner.
Guy: I wasn’t relaxed, my neck was actually giving out.  My neck muscles have actually weakened since I started using this. [Points to neck] Enough of that, let us move forward with all of the kissing.
Gal: Umm…okay.
Guy: Wait — this is for you.
[Girl opens package containing the Neck Air-Traction System]
Guy: Whattya think, girl?
[Girl roundhouse kicks guy in the neck causing the Neck Air-Traction System to explode, and leaves]
Guy: Good thing I had this thing on.
[Guy's head drops due to weak muscles and a broken heart]

For more Bottom of the Barrel Bin posts, click here.

Have you found a Bottom of the Barrel Bin product? If so, send a link or a photo of the item. I really want to see it. Send it to 11ty@kevinkeigley.com

Has your hair ever been so bad that one of your close friends made a strange comment?

Friend: Dang holmes, your hair is jacked.  You needs a fresh coat of mayo.
You: What in the name of Kevin Spacey are you talking about?
Friend: I am talking about your hair, yo!  It looks like a small woodland creature died in it.  You needs mayo.
You: I don’t understand.  Mayo?
Friend: [Opening jar of mayo] Yeah.  Mayo.  M-A-W-Y-O.  Ever heard of it?  You put it on your toast.
You: I don’t think you know what you are talking about.  Are you confusing me with someone else?
Friend: No.  You are Thomas Gout, right?
You: No, I am England Dan.  My friends call me Tony.
Supposed Friend: Oh, my B — your hair is still jacked though.  Get some mayo on it.

Well, if you have ever been told to put mayonnaise on your hair, this product is for you.  And it is organic too.  It is helping the earth or something, while helping your jacked-up hair.

Does mayo on your hair really work?
I have also heard of people using beer to wash their hair, but I always thought those people just wanted an excuse to drink in the shower.

For more Bottom of the Barrel, click here.

There is nothing like late night television to numb the mind and dull the senses.  It is during that vulnerable time that the makers of cheap crap smear the airwaves with lame ads for their ridiculous products — enter Couch Coaster.

I love how most infomercials make people look ridiculous and completely helpless when it comes to normal human-style living.  This ad does not disappoint (check out the video below).  Right out of the gate, the guy on the sofa is apparently battling vertigo as he is unable to sit alone on his sofa, stuff his mouth with junk and watch UFC reruns from 2008.  The other amazing part is at 1:07 where apparently reaching for your soda can cause back injury.

I don’t want to spoil the ending for you, but this little item is only $10.  According to the ad, you are actually getting quite a deal since you could be paying $100 to become another couch potato.  Order today (and if you do, send me the other one — you couldn’t possibly need 2 Couch Coasters).

What are some of your favourite moments in the video?
For more Bottom of the Barrel, click here.

I love important public notices.  Especially when they are from a cemetery and mausoleum company.  That always gets me excited.
It is comforting to know that they make it such a priority to notify the masses when they are updating their records.  I know I do.  Whenever I update my contact info on my Mac, I usually take out an ad in the paper addressing all people with contact info.  I also ask everyone with contact info to contact me for legal reasons.
I do not, however, take it to the level of amazingness that Graceland Cemetery and Mausoleum did…
…they want to celebrate life so much, that they are offering half off on grave plots.
Nothing celebrates life more than that.
Well done Graceland.
(Standing and clapping slowly.)
…

We all wish for things.  Don’t we?  We all have had those times in our lives where we have said, “I just wish…” or “I wish…” or “Could you get me another delicious falafel like we had at that Middle Eastern restaurant that one night?”
Wishing is something that we have only dreamed about.  But apparently, we can stop dreaming.
They’ve done it.
The metaphysical geniuses at Life Technology have developed a wishing machine that is simple to use.  It was designed to be used by “novices and experts [that] will be immediately impressed with its simple design.”
Make your way to their site immediately so that they can spell out clearly the benefits of a wishing machine.  They even have them listed.  The most powerful reason to me is number ten — “Happiness, etc.”
For the low, low price of only $999.95 (they even use PayPal for easy transactions), you too could be the proud owner of the Psychotronic Wishing Machine.  I would tell you to hurry and order now, but apparently the item is currently unavailable.
Maybe the geniuses over at Life Technology should use their machine and wish for more machines.