Of all of my friends with beards, David Blackwell has the strongest, meanest, fullest and loudest beard I know. David is a burly man, quick with a word and quick with a hammer. He is skilled in many of the ancient arts — but his greatest skill is that of beard growing. I think that he can grow a full beard in 5 seconds. I almost witnessed it once, but I fainted from beholding its glory.
Me: David, it happens to be the month of November. Do you know what is special about this month?
David: I do, It is No-Shave November.
Me: Ladies and gentlemen, let it be known that David Blackwell is a Beardy. He’s got quite a beard. He commented the other day that his beard is so thick that when he leans his head down… [to David] your beard does what to your bottom lip?
David: It just kind of gets in there. Kind of pokes me in the mouth a little bit — pokes me in the chest [gestures to chest] area.
Me: So your beard is dangerous, that is what you are trying to say?
David: Violent and dangerous.
Me: David, you look like you had a beard when you were 4. Do you remember when you first started sprouting facial hair?
David: [Laughs at the very notion of having a beard when he was 4 years of age] I definitely remember when I started sproutin’ facial hair. 8th grade was the first time I shaved, so I probably started budding out little Goldilocks hairs around the 7th grade.
Me: So did you sport the Thinstache or did you just go with the full beard?
David: Well, I mean there were little hairs everywhere, you know? It was the beginnings of what I have now. The first shave — I took it all off. I didn’t leave the Crustache to hang around there at all.
Me: 8th grade is pretty early to start sprouting a nice set of beard hairs. Did some of your male friends at the time — were they jealous of your facial hair or were they about the same as you?
David: You know, I don’t know… I feel like I was maybe one of the first in my group of friends to start shaving. But they all followed suit shortly thereafter. I mean, you know, when the fuzz starts glowing in the sun — it’s time to do something about it.
Me: What do you find the most troubling about having a beard other than the occasional hair in your mouth?
David: I would say the answer’s gotta be two-fold… One big problem I am having here lately — with the length of my beard — are the random pokes I get around the neck area — the chest. Just feeling hair touch you in places that you’ve never felt before… is quite an odd thing.
Me: [Raucousing amounts of ludicrous laughter]
David: Part number two is — I am sure you’ve heard this before — trying to eat things. Cheese dip. For chips. Like chips and salsa. A little queso or something… The other day, I rub my face at the end of the day — had pancakes for breakfast — I’ve got dried syrup in my beard. No one told me about that. Do you know how hard it is to get dried syrup out of a beard like this [gestures to beard]?
Me: I do know, because I too have a beard. I also know the effects of dairy on a beard — where you get the old milk smell. When you kind of purse your lip up and you can smell your ‘Stache? It’s pretty gross.
David: It’s absolutely disgusting. That’s kind of a fear I have. That the hair on my lip and around my mouth will smell and I will be in a place where I can’t get it off…
Me: …or it will be so bad that people will actually smell your beard.
David: [Nods approvingly]
Me: Do you have any words of encouragement for our fellow Beardies out there that might be on the fence about No-Shave November?
David: I’ve found that one of the greatest benefits of having a beard is that it’s better than having a concealed weapons permit. The safety that it gives you — the confidence that you can walk around knowing that you have something that some men just frankly cannot and will not ever have.
Me: Wow. Thanks David.
David: Yep — no problem Kev.
To get to all of the pearls of wisdom from my chat with David Blackwell, click below for the full interview.