I must admit something.
I am a little ashamed.
Though I am a manly man with a beard, whenever I enter a large city, I am always a bit unnerved.
My mind runs wild and I feel as if I am moments away from being destroyed by the local riff raff.
Upon a recent visit to Chicago, this is the scenario that played out in my mind:
[After stepping off the train, I approach the exit ramp where a rough looking character stands blocking the way]
Riff Raff: Hello sir, may I please have your wallet?
Me: Um…sure. Here you go. I think you will find everything’s in order.
Riff Raff: [Examining contents and pocketing my money and credit cards] Oh, hello Mr. Keigley. Welcome to Chicago. Are you ready for me to commence with a complimentary beating?
Me: I guess.
Riff Raff: Great. Please choose your method. I have bat, knife or our most popular — the fist.
Me: Well, I guess I’ll go with fist.
Riff Raff: Excellent selection. Now, since you chose fist, you can also choose the focused area of the beating. There is face, body…
Me: [Cutting him off] Definitely the body.
Riff Raff: Again, wonderful choice Mr. Keigley. Are you ready for me to commence with punishing and painful blows all about your torso?
Me: Let’s do this.