At some point in time, an adult married male will be asked to go to the market to pick up a few essentials.
No doubt the list will include things like milk, bread, cheese, apples – an assortment of kitchen staples.
But there are some things that the ladies must know about the mind of a man left alone to shop at the grocery store.

1. If you ask for fruit, don’t assume he’s going to get apples.
Man Mind:  “Let’s see… this list says ‘fruit.’ I bet she means apples. [Looks around with strategic eyes] Hey, these are organic, but they are $4 a pound. Wait – is that pineapple? Pineapple is good and weird. And you have to cut it. Maybe I can use my sword to cut it.  Wait, this one is already pre-cut – what a time saver. I will be a hero, and she will be so proud that I don’t bring my sword into the kitchen again.”

2. If you ask for juice, please clearly state the brand name and the juice type.
Man Mind:  “Juice, juice, juice… ahhh. Here it is. [Reading label with much precision] Hmmm… this is just some plain old apple juice. [Looking around and seeing super-expensive imported Italian volcanic spring water juice infused with blood oranges]
Oh – here we go. [Places it in cart]

3. If you ask for cereal, limit the number of allowed boxes.
Man Mind:  “Raisin Bran – check. Cheerios – check. [Seeing Fruity Pebbles] I loved these when I was younger [drops them into cart with a smile] – for nostalgia. [Looking at aisle of cereal that goes on and on and grabbing a nearby box] Whooo – there is fruit in this one. She wanted me to get fruit, and this one has some kind of astronaut freeze-dried strawberries in them. [Places box in cart] And these… oooh. This box of Special K says that it helps you lose weight. She’ll love this. She’s really into weight loss.”

Suffice it to say – you get the point.
Please know that in addition to the above scenarios, a man left alone to shop in the grocery may be sucked in to a wine-tasting and come home empty-handed, but a bit more cultured.
And if he comes home with everything but what was on the list you gave him, just know that he had your best interests in mind…
…even if it is a box of Special K.

This short list certainly applies to me, what about you?
Ladies – care to chime in?

Every single person that lives in the great state of (insert your state here) needs food.
Some really need it more, and others – not so much.
One thing that we all can agree upon, is that there are foods to be eaten with friends and there is food to be eaten alone.

Today’s post attempts to provide some guidance as you embark on your journey of sustenance. I will be using a state-of-the-art method of labeling a particular food or meal with a code. The complex code system for this post will be as follows:
To be eaten with friends – F
To be eaten alone, without anyone watching – NF

1. Steak with potato – F

2. Steak covered in caramel with Pop Rocks sprinkles – NF

3. Apple – F

4. Apple that’s dipped in motor oil and gently covered with confectioner’s sugar – NF

5. Cinnamon – F

6. Cilantro – NF (This should never consumed anyway. In fact, all cilantro should be loaded onto a rocket and launched into space with its destination being the sun.)

What foods are meant to be enjoyed with friends and which foods are not?
Please, add you thoughts to this exhaustive list.

Do you remember going to Gatlinburg, when you were a kid?
You could hardly comprehend its amazingness – airbrush t-shirt shops, some sort of ninja sword and blow gun emporium, ghostly shows and illusions, people performing dinner shows nightly, a candy store on every corner… Remember?
I do.
My perspective has changed, however, since becoming a little older and a little wiser.
Now I offer you a short guide to Gatlinburg, Tennessee, which I have dubbed the Gift Shop to the Smokies.

1. Bring your American Flag clothes.
If you want to fit in to the daily carnival of the main strip, you must bring many types of clothing emblazoned with the American Flag.  My recent favourite article of patriotic attire was a pair of ill-fitting jeans with a screen printed American flag that wrapped around the wearer and disappeared into various nooks and crannies.
2. Be Prepared for Awkward Shop moments.
Nothing could be better than to enter an establishment with intent to look around and find that the “shop” is the size of a closet. To your horror, you are the only one in the store besides the hopeful merchant behind the counter who is lovingly nursing a Mountain Dew and some food in a styrofoam container. Be ready for small talk as you try to figure a way out without causing the shop keeper to commit suicide after you left without purchasing any of their wares.
3. If you have an extra stomach, bring it.
There 5 billion places to eat in Gatlinburg, but out of that staggering number, only 2 or 3 are worth your time. So, bring an extra stomach to replace your stomach when it becomes inflated with a painful and nauseating vapour caused by the lure of an Elwood Smooch all-you-can-eat dinner buffet (voted best comedy show).
4. Ready your sweet tooth.
Not only are there many dining establishments, but there is almost literally an ice cream or candy store on every corner. From deep fried Oreos to pancake roll-ups, you can find it all. Soon, someone will go ahead and open a store and call it Diabetic Explosion.
5. Be ready to spend some cash
Gatlinburg is expensive. You may actually purchase a Final Fantasy replica sword. You might get an airbrushed t-shirt that tells the world where you were in 2011.  You may actually get an Olde Tyme photo made of you and your friends in a bath tub wielding bottles of Jack Daniels and guns. Merchants will get you by only accepting cash and having a convenient ATM machine in there store that charges a $100 convenience fee.

Gatlinburg is not how I remember, but this guide should get you started.
What other tips do you have for future visitors?

After a recent dining adventure with some friends, I took notice of a few essential rules for Chinese buffets.  They are not written down for you to peruse at your leisure, they are a list of directives attained only by experience. So if you’ve never feasted at one of these establishments, you’ll want to pay close attention.

1.  There is no flow of traffic at the buffet bar.
Even if you are the anal type, you must be ready to cut in line when the fresh basin of sesame chicken is placed in the warmer.

2.  Know that your clothes and your skin will smell like the Chinese buffet in which you have dined.
You need to be aware that if you hit the buffet for lunch, the moment you get back to work, the smell of lo mein that has fused to your DNA will already be at your desk waiting for you

3.  People riding on Lil’ Rascals have the right of way.
For ethical reasons, you must let this person go before you.  It is also good to give them a little space as 500 pounds of scooter and person crushes toes.

4.  You will be tempted to eat strange things to satisfy your need to feel culturally engaged.
If the farthest reaches of your exposure to another culture is a Chinese buffet, go ahead and eat the cheese mussels and the crab lo mein.  Just know that french fries on a Chinese buffet are still french fries.

5.  Your waiter may test your morals.
Sure, your waiter may not speak clearly or he may even moonlight as the person dressed as the Statue of Liberty in front of a local tax office.  Whatever the case, you have to be ready to be a decent human being.

I know you have rules you follow or have observed at your local Panda Garden Chinese Express Lane No.1 Buffet — let us know.

If there is one thing that always makes me cringe, it is advertisements for pork products.  Let’s just say — pig products.  Every sign for every BBQ place always features a fattened swine grinning from ear to ear, usually preparing himself to be eaten by all of us.  He usually dresses up for the occasion as well.  Sometimes he’ll don a hat, but you can count on him wearing a bib or scarf.  He wouldn’t want to get any of himself on himself, would he?
This bag of piggy product is just one example of disturbing pig advertising.  Note the name — Hogs Heaven.  You know why Hog Heaven?  Because apparently, that’s where they go after they are made into “delicious” food products.  But apparently, the dead hog on the bag is a happy hog and lived a decent life — he is smiling under the weight of his halo.  Also, I am not quite sure of the tag line, “Put a little South in your mouth”.  That just sounds gross.  On the farm, I was always told to watch myself around the southern end of a northbound animal.
One more thing.  Pork rinds are in fact the skin of a pig.  That was an unfortunate revelation to me much too late in life.

What are some names of BBQ joints near you?  Do they feature pigs happily sitting in fire for your eating pleasure?  If you have a photo of their sign, I really want to see it.  Send it to 11ty@kevinkeigley.com

All of us at one time or another have found a little surprise in our meals.  You go out for a nice dinner, but instead find a not-so-nice treasure in your soup.  My sister found a staple in her salad one time.  I have found plastic in my fish.  I found a fly in my french fries.  Those encounters are terrible.  But in my opinion, the worst of them all is — the hair.  How do you deal with it?

1. Ignore it — Just pretend it didn’t happen.  Move it off of your plate and keep on eating.  That sammich is too good to stop now.

2. Tell yourself that it must be yours — It doesn’t matter if one of your own short blonde hairs fell out and whilst falling, became a long kinky black hair.

3. Politely call the waiter/waitress — Some of you are able to do this with grace.  You make your server aware, they reel in horror and get you a new plate.

4. Vomit — Just straight up puke on the plate which then leads to #5

5. Create a scene — After wiping your mouth, you flip the table over while you are flying up out of your seat.  The table mysteriously bursts into flames and chaos ensues.

So what surprises have you found in your food?  How did you handle it?

The following is an interview with fellow Beardy, Walter Howard.

After having just filled our bellies with food from Zesto’s Grill (your typical Italian/Greek/American restaurant), Walter opened up and shared his heart regarding the highs and the lows of having a beard.

Me: Walter, you and I have known each other for how long now?

Walter: About two years.

Me: I don’t think that’s right, but for the sake of the interview we’re going to press forward.  You are sporting a pretty nice beard, is this something you do every year?

Walter: I usually try it for a little bit — usually about once or twice a year.

Me: Why do you give up?

Walter: (While gently petting a horse)  I usually can’t persevere through the itchy phase.

Me: When did you first realize you could actually grow a beard?

Walter: I think when I was seven.

Me: Seven?  That is pretty early.

Walter: (Approving nod)

Me: Now I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I think that you are a Connector.  By Connector I mean that you can grow a beard all the way down to your chest.  Is that true?

Walter: (Puts saddle on horse)  Unfortunately yes, yes it is.

Me: How do you know where to top shaving?

Walter: (Climbs onto horse and settles into the saddle)  I think it comes down to personal choice.  I mean, everybody decides how far they want the beard to go down.  It’s really about accenting the chin.  You want to draw the chin into it.  When I say, “That’s enough chin”, then usually I shave from there down.

Me: What do you find most troubling about having a beard?

Walter: It’s not as easy as I thought it would be.  I am pretty symmetrical — pretty detailed , so just keeping all those guys under control probably.

Me: So the fact that your beard is not symmetrical, that’s the most troubling part?

Walter: (Visibly irritated)  When it’s not, I mean, the effort of keeping it symmetrical — yes.

Me: Thank you for your time.

Walter: You’re welcome, thank you (Rides into sunset).

For the full interview, double-click below for your listening pleasure.

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One thing I have noticed about having a beard:  things don’t fall away from your face.  They tend to cling.  And when you finally discover that fact — it is too late.  Everyone saw the crap dangling from your face.

The other day I was out for some Mexican, and I came across something amazing — a small boy, about 2 or 3, that had to be a genius.  I mean, there is no way that this little guy could be anything but.

There he was, sitting in a high chair in a restaurant, surrounded by a group of people that I could only assume was his family.  They were all talking to one another — about this and about that (I could not understand them), and every now and again, they would say something to the little boy.  The boy would respond and everyone would coo and smile.  Here is the part that proves he was a genius — they were all speaking Spanish!  Every single person at the table was speaking in Spanish, including — get this, the small boy!  How amazing!  And hats off to that family for being so committed to broadening the young lad’s horizon.

I don’t have a photo of the family, but the father looked a little like the man shown below.

Back in the day, I used to own all of Stryper’s cassettes.  I knew all of their lyrics and their face-melting guitar riffs.  After watching this video (you don’t have to view the whole thing to get the gist), it made me want to be a soldier just like them — yellow and black spandex, screaming fans, life on the road as well as lots of Chinese take-out.  All for the Glory of God.  Thanks Stryper.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55iADHOMNvs]