The Nasty Little Challenge Rating (1 = disturbing, 5 = disturbing and may cause nightmares, 10 = disturbing, nightmare-causing and most likely to induce vomiting):

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Sometimes people send me a photo that is so shocking, that I can scarcely post it.  Sometimes, the story that accompanies the photo is even more shocking.  This is one of those photos with one of those stories.
This photo was submitted by friend, David Blackwell.
Just look at it.
Seriously.
Look at it.
See how she gestures with with fingers that have been made into nubs by the many times they have been shut a door whilst in pursuit of someone?  Look at the lazy-eye that waits to wink at you as soon as you turn around.  Look at the hair, tattered and sparse from many altercations with kids whose parents don’t believe their stories.  And that red splotch.  What the heck is that David?
But what makes this one a 10, is the fact that David tells me that doll stands in the living room of his parent’s house.

What could this doll be thinking?

If you have a photo of a Nasty Little Doll you would like the world to see, send it to me at 11ty@kevinkeigley.com and I will do my best to not vomit in horror.

The other day I was in a local store, when I heard a strange rustling sound behind me.
I heard giggles and a sound like plastic scurrying on linoleum.
Then I heard, “Let’s get him!”
I turned around and this is what I saw…

Good thing I turned around in time (as dolls usually freeze when you look at them).  Had I not, those nasty little dolls would have been all over me – -biting at my heals and neck.
Gag.
Nasty little things.

Don’t forget — if you have found some nasty little images of some nasty little dolls, send them to me for the Nasty Little Challenge.

This photo was submitted to me by Sarah Powell.  She says that she saw this package of candied pig snout in south Texas.  Candied pig snout.  Candied.  Pig snout.  Haven’t they heard of, oh I don’t know, chocolate?  Say a Butterfinger maybe?  What about Sour Patch Kids?  Are times so bad in south Texas that they can’t candy anything else?  Why not candy some fruit?  What was going on in someone’s mind when they walked by a pig, wallowing in its own filth, and said, “You know what Randy?  I was gonna go home and candy this fine apple I just picked.  But instead, after seeing the snout on this dirty swine, I am gonna cut off its nose and sugar it.  Wrap it in cellophane.  Make a million dollars.”

Have you seen any other gross candy?  “Candy” that should never appeal to any sweet tooth?

I remember that day as if t were yesterday.  I was a senior in high school and I was in the zone.  I was impressing my teachers, talking it up with the ladies, smiling in slow motion as I walked down the hallway as a gentle breeze attempted to move my 1993 hairstyle…my jeans couldn’t have fit better.  I swaggered through the parking lot after school as I made my way to my boss pick-up truck with the sunroof.  I slowly closed the door behind me as I gazed at the rear view mirror in absolute horror — there, on my right cheek, was an inch-long trail of dried blood that looked like a dead fuzzy caterpillar.

Life Lesson #34
Never scratch at a zit in first period while sitting in class.

This nasty little doll photo was submitted by my Virginia pal, Dana Washburn.

The Nasty Little Challenge Rating (1 = disturbing, 5 = disturbing and may cause nightmares, 10 = disturbing, nightmare-causing and most likely to induce vomiting):
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

I think based upon this photographic evidence, we all now know what happened to Elvis.  Because of the potential of that doll tracking me down and turning me into its own plastic plaything, I have given this one a 5 on the Nasty Little Challenge Rating.  Also, please note that the doll kept a momento — a full colour magazine on the “death” of Elvis.  Nice one nasty doll.

These are actual products.  They can be found in one of the million catalogs that fill your mailbox every single day.

First of all, I don’t need to add humor to bath time.  Secondly, I don’t want “BUTT” to be clearly embroidered anywhere.  And lastly, that guy looks too happy having that end of the towel.

One of the best things in the world: feeling something soft with your bare feet
One of the worst things in the world: discovering that the soft something was in fact a mouse that had died next to your bed

(This actually happened to my Mom)

I am about to reveal to you mathematical proof that I am neutral when it comes to banana pudding.  That is an interesting concept since I do not care for banana pudding at all.  I have tried many recipes through the years — even many-a “Mamaw’s Recipe” but still, no dice.  I am dumbfounded by the results of this equation.  But who am I to argue with math?

One Nate Heffington made me aware of my apparent neutrality.  He walked me through this process using a dry erase board that happened to be nearby.  Behold the proof…

I am represented by the handsome drawing in the upper left portion of the picture.  The equation broke down like this:

I like bananas and I like Cool Whip.
Essentially, positive + positive = positive.
I do not care for Nilla Wafers or pudding (Nate represented pudding by his depiction of Bill Cosby – try to find him).
Essentially, negative + negative = negative.
Positive + Negative = Neutral

If the equations are true, and they are, I should therefore be neutral towards banana pudding.

Thank you Nate Heffington.  Thank you for an equation that does not make sense and for picture association that is a bit frightening.

One of the best things in the world: as a boy, to find a hair under your arm
One of the worst things in the world: as a man, to find a hair on your back
Even worse: as anyone, to find a hair in your salad at a restaurant

Nothing celebrates a new child more than pulling this out of the oven…

…again, thanks Jane.