Since it is in fact, No-Shave November, there is going to be a lot more beard attention this month.
My friend Burton Williams sent me this little jewel of beard contest nostalgia.

Thank you Burton!

Last night, Conan O’Brien returned to television after creating a staggering marketing campaign using social networking tools.  It cost him nothing but time.  As of now, Conan has 1,828,391 followers on his Twitter account.  I am closing in with [number omitted due to security reasons] followers on my Twitter account.
I watched at my friend Tyler’s house as Conan came out almost giddy, working the crowd that was no longer barricaded behind a wall.  He paced his stage like a caged friendly lion juiced-up on Red Bull.
His first star cameo was a favourite of mine — Ricky Gervais (creator of the BBC The Office and forever David Brent).
His first guest was a woman with a Nutcracker guy.
His first real guest was Seth Rogen.
…
Then some girl…
And then as if it couldn’t get better — Jack White.
What does all of these things have in common?
Beards.
(Nutcracker statue had a beard… okay, Jack had a goatee — let’s not cut hairs)
Welcome back Conan.

Of all of my friends with beards, David Blackwell has the strongest, meanest, fullest and loudest beard I know.  David is a burly man, quick with a word and quick with a hammer.  He is skilled in many of the ancient arts — but his greatest skill is that of beard growing.  I think that he can grow a full beard in 5 seconds.  I almost witnessed it once, but I fainted from beholding its glory.

Me: David, it happens to be the month of November.  Do you know what is special about this month?

David: I do, It is No-Shave November.

Me: Ladies and gentlemen, let it be known that David Blackwell is a Beardy.  He’s got quite a beard.  He commented the other day that his beard is so thick that when he leans his head down… [to David] your beard does what to your bottom lip?

David: It just kind of gets in there.  Kind of pokes me in the mouth a little bit — pokes me in the chest [gestures to chest] area.

Me: So your beard is dangerous, that is what you are trying to say?

David: Violent and dangerous.

Me: David, you look like you had a beard when you were 4.  Do you remember when you first started sprouting facial hair?

David: [Laughs at the very notion of having a beard when he was 4 years of age] I definitely remember when I started sproutin’ facial hair.  8th grade was the first time I shaved, so I probably started budding out little Goldilocks hairs around the 7th grade.

Me: So did you sport the Thinstache or did you just go with the full beard?

David: Well, I mean there were little hairs everywhere, you know?  It was the beginnings of what I have now.  The first shave — I took it all off.  I didn’t leave the Crustache to hang around there at all.

Me: 8th grade is pretty early to start sprouting a nice set of beard hairs.  Did some of your male friends at the time — were they jealous of your facial hair or were they about the same as you?

David: You know, I don’t know…  I feel like I was maybe one of the first in my group of friends to start shaving.  But they all followed suit shortly thereafter.  I mean, you know, when the fuzz starts glowing in the sun — it’s time to do something about it.

Me: What do you find the most troubling about having a beard other than the occasional hair in your mouth?

David: I would say the answer’s gotta be two-fold… One big problem I am having here lately — with the length of my beard — are the random pokes I get around the neck area — the chest.  Just feeling hair touch you in places that you’ve never felt before… is quite an odd thing.

Me: [Raucousing amounts of ludicrous laughter]

David: Part number two is — I am sure you’ve heard this before — trying to eat things.  Cheese dip.  For chips.  Like chips and salsa.  A little queso or something… The other day, I rub my face at the end of the day — had pancakes for breakfast — I’ve got dried syrup in my beard.  No one told me about that.  Do you know how hard it is to get dried syrup out of a beard like this [gestures to beard]?

Me: I do know, because I too have a beard.  I also know the effects of dairy on a beard — where you get the old milk smell.  When you kind of purse your lip up and you can smell your ‘Stache?  It’s pretty gross.

David: It’s absolutely disgusting.  That’s kind of a fear I have.  That the hair on my lip and around my mouth will smell and I will be in a place where I can’t get it off…

Me: …or it will be so bad that people will actually smell your beard.

David: [Nods approvingly]

Me: Do you have any words of encouragement for our fellow Beardies out there that might be on the fence about No-Shave November?

David: I’ve found that one of the greatest benefits of having a beard is that it’s better than having a concealed weapons permit.  The safety that it gives you — the confidence that you can walk around knowing that you have something that some men just frankly cannot and will not ever have.

Me: Wow.  Thanks David.

David: Yep — no problem Kev.

To get to all of the pearls of wisdom from my chat with David Blackwell, click below for the full interview.

Has your hair ever been so bad that one of your close friends made a strange comment?

Friend: Dang holmes, your hair is jacked.  You needs a fresh coat of mayo.
You: What in the name of Kevin Spacey are you talking about?
Friend: I am talking about your hair, yo!  It looks like a small woodland creature died in it.  You needs mayo.
You: I don’t understand.  Mayo?
Friend: [Opening jar of mayo] Yeah.  Mayo.  M-A-W-Y-O.  Ever heard of it?  You put it on your toast.
You: I don’t think you know what you are talking about.  Are you confusing me with someone else?
Friend: No.  You are Thomas Gout, right?
You: No, I am England Dan.  My friends call me Tony.
Supposed Friend: Oh, my B — your hair is still jacked though.  Get some mayo on it.

Well, if you have ever been told to put mayonnaise on your hair, this product is for you.  And it is organic too.  It is helping the earth or something, while helping your jacked-up hair.

Does mayo on your hair really work?
I have also heard of people using beer to wash their hair, but I always thought those people just wanted an excuse to drink in the shower.

For more Bottom of the Barrel, click here.

All of us at one time or another have found a little surprise in our meals.  You go out for a nice dinner, but instead find a not-so-nice treasure in your soup.  My sister found a staple in her salad one time.  I have found plastic in my fish.  I found a fly in my french fries.  Those encounters are terrible.  But in my opinion, the worst of them all is — the hair.  How do you deal with it?

1. Ignore it — Just pretend it didn’t happen.  Move it off of your plate and keep on eating.  That sammich is too good to stop now.

2. Tell yourself that it must be yours — It doesn’t matter if one of your own short blonde hairs fell out and whilst falling, became a long kinky black hair.

3. Politely call the waiter/waitress — Some of you are able to do this with grace.  You make your server aware, they reel in horror and get you a new plate.

4. Vomit — Just straight up puke on the plate which then leads to #5

5. Create a scene — After wiping your mouth, you flip the table over while you are flying up out of your seat.  The table mysteriously bursts into flames and chaos ensues.

So what surprises have you found in your food?  How did you handle it?

The moon is full as the Wolfman enters Mug & Brush Barber Shop on Main Street.

Barber: (Smiles)  Hey!  Have a seat.  It’ll be just a minute (continues sweeping floor).
Wolfman: (Picks up Outdoor Life as he sits)  Thanks.  I’m kind’ve in a hurry though, but I’m glad you are open so late.
Barber: How about this weather we’re having lately.  Cold, huh?
Wolfman: (Looks up from magazine)  Yeah.  But I think it’s warming up.
Barber: I hope so.
Wolfman: (Lets out a concerned sigh)  Me too.
Barber: Do any hunting lately?
Wolfman: Sort of.
Barber: Get anything?
Wolfman: Yeah — I think I’m might be getting too old for it though, you know what I mean?
Barber: (Half laughs)  I hear ya.  Well, you ready?
Wolfman: (Grunts and exhales as he stands)  Ready as I’ll ever be.
Barber: Same way?
Wolfman: (Sitting in barber chair)  Yup.

At long last I was able to recline, enjoy a meal and converse with Greg Boone.  We shared a few laughs, a few tears and a few delicious steaks.  His steak was slightly more bloody than mine, but we put our differences aside and got down to business.

Me: Greg, I’ve known you for many years and you’ve run the gamut of facial hair.  I believe when I first encountered you, you were sporting the stache — how long did you rock the stache?

Greg: I don’t know if I had just the stache when you met me… (trails off down memory lane)

Me: You just had the stache in ’97.

Greg: I had the stache for…(consults wife)  I think I had it from the time I was at least a sophomore in college.  From the time of say — 21 until now at 43, I have had at least a moustache on my face.  I’ve only been clean shaven once.

Me: And that was probably startling to all of your friends?

Greg: It was very startling.  My children ran — they didn’t recognize me.  Leanne would not have sexual relations with me at all until it grew back.

(a non-bearded listener gasps)

Me: (also startled) Wow…

(Greg’s wife, Leanne, delivers a flying Superman punch to Greg’s throat)

Me: You have run the gamut in facial hair.  You had the stache, you normally rock the goatee, but currently Greg — you are doing the full beard.  What is the community response?

Greg: So far it has been pretty good.  Once you’ve had the goatee, it’s not that dramatically different.  It does kind of change the jawline a little bit.  And of course I am growing the hair out at the same time.  It is sort of a mountain man thing happening.

Me: You are more burly than I have ever seen you.

Greg: I’m very burly.

Me: Now that you’ve had your beard for however long you’ve had it, what have you found to be troubling?

Greg: It’s probably the trimming.  Mine grows pretty far up (pointing to bottom of his eyelid).  It grows way up over the cheek bone.

Me: You always keep yours short — pretty close to your face.  I can’t do that because as you can see I kind’ve look like I have the mange (I point to my tattered little beard), but you can fill yours out and that is exciting for me for you.

Greg: Yes.

Me: Thanks.

Greg: You’re welcome.

For the full interview, double-click below for your listening pleasure.

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The following is an interview with fellow Beardy, Walter Howard.

After having just filled our bellies with food from Zesto’s Grill (your typical Italian/Greek/American restaurant), Walter opened up and shared his heart regarding the highs and the lows of having a beard.

Me: Walter, you and I have known each other for how long now?

Walter: About two years.

Me: I don’t think that’s right, but for the sake of the interview we’re going to press forward.  You are sporting a pretty nice beard, is this something you do every year?

Walter: I usually try it for a little bit — usually about once or twice a year.

Me: Why do you give up?

Walter: (While gently petting a horse)  I usually can’t persevere through the itchy phase.

Me: When did you first realize you could actually grow a beard?

Walter: I think when I was seven.

Me: Seven?  That is pretty early.

Walter: (Approving nod)

Me: Now I am going to go out on a limb here and say that I think that you are a Connector.  By Connector I mean that you can grow a beard all the way down to your chest.  Is that true?

Walter: (Puts saddle on horse)  Unfortunately yes, yes it is.

Me: How do you know where to top shaving?

Walter: (Climbs onto horse and settles into the saddle)  I think it comes down to personal choice.  I mean, everybody decides how far they want the beard to go down.  It’s really about accenting the chin.  You want to draw the chin into it.  When I say, “That’s enough chin”, then usually I shave from there down.

Me: What do you find most troubling about having a beard?

Walter: It’s not as easy as I thought it would be.  I am pretty symmetrical — pretty detailed , so just keeping all those guys under control probably.

Me: So the fact that your beard is not symmetrical, that’s the most troubling part?

Walter: (Visibly irritated)  When it’s not, I mean, the effort of keeping it symmetrical — yes.

Me: Thank you for your time.

Walter: You’re welcome, thank you (Rides into sunset).

For the full interview, double-click below for your listening pleasure.

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Some of you may remember my encounter with Sally Beauty Supply. As it turns out, that encounter has turned into something larger than I could have expected.  They gave me a complimentary Sally Beauty membership and they have also asked me to be a product tester for their line of men’s hair care products.  I agreed and they followed through by sending me a box full of goods – almost $50 worth of their stuff.  In the coming weeks you may see how those items were field tested in the Keigley house.  I might even use it on Berg’s man hair.

I purchased a new electric trimmer set made by Conair.  I needed to upgrade especially since I find myself giving lots of haircuts to our male summer staff at Look Up Lodge Christian Camp.  The new trimmer set is cordless which is a plus now that I am a sort of country barber — traveling to the residences of those in serious need of hair trimming.

I opened the care and use manual and made an interesting discovery.  Please see the provided illustration.

Conair has settled it.  These are the only acceptable forms of facial hair.  If you don’t see your facial hair style, you will no longer be recognized as having a beard/mustache.  Please make the appropriate changes.

And apparently their model committed a federal crime or was a member of the Village People.