Before the sun rises upon the sleepy town of Lumpkinville, NC, the Lumpkin Watcher prepares himself mentally for one of the most challenging events of recent days.
The Lumpkin Watcher is going to the library, where he hopes to attain a library card.
[The Lumpkin Watcher approaches the counter of the Lumpkinville Public Library. He has a tall stack of books comprised of 4 books on ninjas, 2 books on ghost hunting, 2 books on outdoor survival, 1 book on fairy magic and The Art of War. He also has the movie The Cannonball Run, starring Burt Reynolds, on VHS. He plops them down in front of the librarian who looks as if she wishes she were dead.]
Librarian: You have a card?
LW: No, ma’am. That’s why I am here today. To get a libary card.
Librarian: (Chewing gum noisily and staring blankly) You want a library card?
LW: That’s what I said. A libary card.
Librarian: Well, you can’t check out all them books if it’s your first time.
LW: Why not? This is a libary, isn’t it?
Librarian: It is, but if you don’t got a card, you hafta get one. And then you only allowed to check out 3 books.
LW: (Acts as if pondering deeply) Okay, fine – I’ll get a libary card and then 3 books. What about the VHS tape?
Librarian: (Shakes her head “no”) Nope.
Librarian: (Already moving in a robotic fashion to acquire library card documentation) Alright, I need to see your license or other ID.
LW: (Freezes) What? Why do you need that?
Librarian: We just do. So you wanna card or not?
LW: But I can’t tell you who I am.
Librarian: Well don’t you have some sort of “special needs” card or somethin’ to help you out?
LW: No. I am not special needs.
Librarian: Well why you here in your pajamas with a thing on your face?
LW: This is my costume.
Librarian: Halloween’s over – I need a license or another form of identification.
LW: (Stands tall and thrusts chin forward) Then ma’am – I am unable to take these items home. For I am the Lumpkin Watcher, and my identity must stay a secret for the sake of the good citizens of Lumpkinville.
[The Lumpkin Watcher triumphantly leaves the counter without his stack of books, forgetting that The Cannonball Run, starring Burt Reynolds, is tucked under his arm. He promptly sets off the alarm at the door, tosses the VHS tape in the base of a ficus tree, and exits.]