In the town of Lumpkinville, North Carolina, the Lumpkin Watcher scratches words feverishly into his diary.
Is it a list of evildoers? No.
Is it a genius strategy of good overcoming evil? No.
Is it a “Like and Dislike” list? Yes.

Dear diary,

It’s so crazy that people go through life without making one of these here lists.
I saw it on a show my mom was watching and how it helped people sort stuff out.
The host of the show was yelling and the guests were crying but everyone was applauding.
So…here goes nothing!

Like: Thundercats
Dislike: cats in general

Like: Bacon
Dislike: Sausage (i know can you believe it?)

Like: Sleep
Dislike: Mom’s chores where I have to wear those dish-washing gloves

Like: Three’s Company (Jack is so funny and I want to be like him and I like Chrissy too)
Dislike: Having to ask Ricky if I can hang with him and Cheryl

Like: NOS
Dislike: Water

Like: Fighting crime in Lumpkinville
Dislike: the Man trying to get me down criminals in general

Like:
Love: Cheryl
Dislike: Ricky (don’t tell him i said that – he’d hate me forever/ beat the crap out of me)

-LW

The Lumpkin Watcher stealthily enters the Lumpkinville Library (carefully concealing a Capri Sun), hoping to score some time on the computers.  Ever since his mom’s online health food store (Rhonda’s Remedies) took off, the home computer is constantly occupied.  The LW wants just 15 minutes (maximum allowed library computer time) to fill-out an online dating survey.

Thank you for selecting your free trial of Online Dating USA.  Please fill out the following questions so that you can find love in your area.

Male or female?
Male.  That’s a funny question.

Describe yourself in a few words.
I like to watch and I am mysterious and I like to be romantic.

What do you do for a living?
N/A

Describe your ideal girl.
That’s easy. Instead of using my own picture for my profile, I uploaded a picture of a really awesome girl named Cheryl.  She is the girl on the right.  The guy is not me, it’s a guy named Ricky.  He is also cool.  Just don’t forward this to Ricky please.

Tell us about your idea of a perfect date.
First, I would ask my ‘rents to go the the store or something so we could have the house to ourselves.  Then, I would make something romantic like Stouffer’s lasagna (family size), with garlic bread and a box of wine.  We would then watch a movie (prob Roadhouse with Patrick Swayze) on our couch.  Then a walk and talk about crap or something.

List your strengths.
Easy.  I can do some bench presses, push-ups and stuff.  I once made a dog run away by staring at it even though people say not to do that.

List your weaknesses.
Asthma

To help us serve you better, please give us your Social Security Number and your birthday so we can send you a secret gift!
228-89-4727 and my birthday is January 8.  I can’t wait to see what you will send me.  A girl, I hope!  Ha, ha LOL.

[The Lumpkin Watcher exits his computer session, puts his Capri Sun in the recycle bin, and steps out into the bright sunlight of Lumpkinville -- perhaps walking a little taller.]

In the small town of Lumpkinville, North Carolina, a vigilante sits high atop the second story roof of Davis Feed & Seed.
In mediocre silence he waits for the chance to defend the town that he loves.
And where he graduated 405th in his class (out of 602).

The following is an entry in the top secret diary of The Lumpkin Watcher.

6:35PM
Old Man Johnson arrives in his car
Exits his vehicle and enters Marv’s Diner
No incident to report

6:55PM
Nothing to report

7:02PM
Mr. Maynard crosses street

7:03PM
Mr. Maynard drops some change in the road
A car may run over Mr. Maynard

7:03PM
Mr. Maynard gets his change
No cars in sight

7:35PM
Hear squealing sound – could be squealing tires of a getaway vehicle
I, the Lumpkin Watcher, entered 9-1-1 on phone
Standing by to press “send”

7:38PM
Squealing sound was fan belt of the Wilson’s minivan

7:40PM
Finished ham sandwich
Remembered to keep sandwich cool this time

7:55PM
All stores in town closed except for Marv’s
Senses heightened and focused

8:00PM
Marv’s closes
But Old Man Johnson never exited!!!!!

8:01PM
Have visual of Old Man Johnson

8:27PM
Nothing to report

9:00PM
Curfew
Time to call it a night
Don’t want to take any chances