As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: You have set up an appointment with the optometrist because you say that “your eyes are bothering you.”

Mancode #97: While everyone might be fooled into thinking that your 20/10 vision is deteriorating, that could not be farther from the truth. What people don’t know is that as men age, their vision actually gets better. In fact, their vision becomes so acute, that men will go to great lengths to shield the general public from their optic power. Sure, a man may go the optometrist to get “his prescriptions,” but in reality, he is getting a pair of glasses that keep him from reading sensitive documents through walls. That’s right. As men age, they develop super vision. A man of the ripe old age of 97 may wear a pair of thick glasses. It’s not because he can’t see, it’s because he doesn’t want to level a town with the violent laser beams that have started to shoot out of his eyes.

So next time you see a man walking into the optometrist, do not scoff – simply thank him, and be on your way.

What is this? You desire more Mancode? Okay.

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: You, a man, go to the restroom and emerge 20 minutes later much to the disappointment of your lady.

Mancode #313: Extended bathroom time doesn’t mean that your lady’s cooking was awful or that your late night Taco Bell run is ringing your doorbell (though sometimes that is exactly the case). While no one besides a man (namely a woman) would understand, it is important to embrace this Mancode for the betterment of the world.

Extended bathroom time allows:
1. Reading Time
Sometimes men set about reading an entire book while in the restroom. Tolstoy, even read in small increments, still makes us smarter.
2. Quiet Time
There is a point in a man’s day where he just needs some quiet. A boy-crazy teenage daughter will not bother her daddy while he is “busy.”
3. Catching Up on World Events Time
That rustling of paper isn’t cheap toilet tissue, it’s the Wall Street Journal, baby. Or maybe the comics.
4. Rest Time
A man can’t clean the whole house without an occasional rest, can he? No, he cannot.
5. Angry Birds Time
That’s it. He’s playing Angry Birds. Where he cannot be shamed. Unless someone ignores the sound of the fan, opens the door anyway to discover a man, his iPad and his downed trousers at the base of his hairy legs.

Men – our bathroom time is important to us.
Help me explain why bathroom time is critical.
(Ladies – feel free to vent)

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: You have been assigned the task of going to the grocery store and your lady has given you a list.

Mancode #77: Though you will come home with versions of the items on the list, Mancode allows you to alter any of the suggestions and add to the grocery inventory (it also allows for you to completely forget some things as well).

Coupons
If you were given a grocery list, you are almost certain to have been given a stack of coupons that you have carefully rolled up and shoved in your pocket.  Even as you were receiving specific instructions on how to use them, you knew that those coupons were never going to see the light of day.
Packaging
Sure, a 4-pack of stick butter is on your list.  You know that the brand in the convenient tub is easier to spread and has better graphics.  Also on the list is a bag of shredded cheese produced by a company called “Great Value.”  You get the “Kraft” shredded cheese because you know that brand names always taste better.
Milk
The list reads “2 gallons of 1% milk.”  Men don’t drink crappy milk-water.  You need vitamin D to feed your muscles.
Lady Items
Inevitably, your list will call for you to acquire some “lady specific” items.  You must get them, but always be sure to shake your head, roll your eyes and sigh as you toss the items carelessly into the cart.  Do this even if it appears no one is around, just in case.  You don’t want to take the chance on someone thinking you are okay with making those kinds of purchases.
Freestyle
Always be sure to stray from the list and exceed the grocery budget by at least $40.  Items to get that are not on the list are: several bags of chips, cookies, strange ice cream flavours, soda and lots of paper products for quick clean-up.  Because you have the drive home ahead of you, be sure to grab at least 2 candy bars and a pack of gum as you are checking out (you should also get something to drink since the candy bars will make you thirsty).

Did I miss anything in Mancode for shopping?
Want more Mancode?  You are not alone.

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: In a social setting, you make a statement that is absolutely dividing and possibly offensive.

Mancode #81: While I know that it is expected to offend and divide people on a regular basis, stop talking immediately.  There are 3 ways to respond:

1. Locate the alpha male and copy his actions.  Do that quickly.  Mimic his body language, his laughing and his trailblazing — even if the high school sports story doesn’t relate to you.
2. Make hard eye contact with the people in the group and tell them that you were just testing their social conscience and that they all failed.  They will in turn be amazed at how dumb they all are, giving you the chance to leave them to their shame.
3. Fake a seizure and then calmly stand after a minute saying that your brain gets a little weird right before you go out.  They will probably give you money and you also may be asked out on a date.

Want more Mancode?  You are not alone.

By writing this post, I could get kicked out the Man Club.
Scenario: You are forced to engage a small group of strangers for business reasons in a casual environment.

Mancode #53: Most dudes dread being in a small setting with people that are not their “boys”.  When you must be in the presence of strangers for business purposes, it can be especially nerve racking.  To avoid unnecessary awkwardness, there is a foolproof way to engage them without saying a word — it is called Sports Simulation.  This is the simple act of “practicing” your favourite action as it relates to sports.  Most guys resort to the golf swing.  Other guys prefer the swinging of the bat, while yet other guys will shadow box.  All of these are acceptable.  The Sports Simulation is best used when there is a lull in the conversation or when you are trailblazing about your high school glory days.  Use the Sports Simulation tactic carefully, or else you could get drafted by a passing sports agent while you are representing your company in a social setting.  If you sense you are being scouted, stop the Sim immediately and look for fist-bumps from those around you while you howl with maniacal laughter.

My next charity: water update will be Wednesday. Plan on sharing a story or two. You have a week, make today count.

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: A guy challenges you to a fight.

Mancode #443: There are several things to consider here.  Does the guy have a beard?  If he does, you must then ask yourself if you have a beard.  If you are unsure, ask a friend or look in a mirror.  If you do have a beard, you then must gauge its level of awesomeness against your potential opponents beard.  If his beard kicks the crap out of your beard, chances are you will also have the crap kicked out of you.  If you don’t have a beard and he does, run away.  If you have a beard and he doesn’t, get ready to be the most sought after guy in the room.
Actually, when it comes to a fight, the beard is the only thing to consider.

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: You are at the beach and someone actually tells you to put on sunscreen.

Mancode #1010: As a man, your response should be immediate guffawing and jesting.  Of course you don’t need sunscreen.  Why would you want to sit in front of the general public and smear lotion all over your body?  Why apply sunscreen anyway?  If you put on that stuff, then you miss out on the sweet leather-looking skin effect that only comes from severe sunburn.  And if you do get a killer sunburn, you won’t get the chance to display how tough you are when your back is a giant bubble of fluid.

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: You are at a gathering with some of your friends and as you are trailblazing about your high school glory days, someone addresses you by name.  You have no idea who the person is.

Mancode #384: As a man, you never want to admit you don’t know something.  Even if you are clueless, you must smack of mastery of the subject presented to you.  This also applies when it comes to names.  Never admit to the person that you don’t know their moniker.  Always act as if it has been too long since the last time you saw them.  Your excitement level will distract them for a moment while you fish through names in your head, trying to find their handle.  As you are flipping through your cerebral Rolodex, toss out the following names immediately:  McGhee or McPherson.  These are most likely names that don’t apply and are more commonly used to describe people that are slow or lame (ie. Slowy McGhee or Lamey McPherson).  While you are still searching for their name in your head and making small talk, use familiar terms — for guys, use the words “dude” or “bro.”  If you are slightly more daring, you can also use “Broseph.”  If you happen to be talking to a Joseph, he will be your friend for life.  If you are talking to a girl, use the words “sweetheart” or “babe.”  All clinical research reveals that girls love that.
In the end, if you are unable to draw up their name, leap towards them all wild-eyed screaming, “Dude! Dude!” or “Hey babe, listen to this…” and then immediately launch into a story about your high school baseball/football days.  They will have so much love for you, that they will want everyone around you to hear your story.  They will probably even walk away so that one more person can squeeze in to hear how awesome you were.
Crisis averted.

Are there other proven methods of dealing with this situation?  Are there other methods of distraction?

For more Mancode, click here.

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: You take a new job and your employer leaves you alone for 5 minutes.

Mancode #836: You never want people to think that you don’t know what you are doing.  Therefore, always have some papers in your hand because they can double for some official/important documents.  You should always have a pen at the ready as well.  Having papers and a pen allows you the freedom to move about the office as opposed to standing in one place and therefore exposing your lack of productivity.  Once you decide to move, you should move quickly as if you have to get somewhere as soon as possible.  It is also a good idea to grimace as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders and all those suckers in their cubicles should be glad that it is you and not them with such responsibility.  When you approach a dead end, you should come to an abrupt stop, as if you remembered something — something critical.  Then you look hard at your papers, cut your eyes to the side as if you made an important discovery (tap your lower lip with your pen for emphasis), and finally dart away in the opposite direction from whence you came.  You should repeat this process until your employer discovers how hard you have been working in their absence.

So people, what have you done to not expose your lack of productivity?  …

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: Someone asks you a question, and by some fluke, you don’t know the answer.

Mancode #127: First of all, don’t let on that they have asked a question no one thinks about, for that is why you do not know the answer.  Then, after making sure you do not call them out, you’ll want to sigh as if you are thinking of all the many possible ways to respond on their level.  It’s also a good idea to look around and sort of laugh to yourself as if some of the responses would be humourous, if only you could speak in layman’s terms.  When they ask you what is funny, the Mancode Manual suggests you say, “Nah, it’s just…” and then let your voice trail off as you shake your head letting them know they wouldn’t understand anyway.  If none of these tactics kill enough time that would cause the uninformed person to forget they asked a silly question in the first place, then finally you should change the subject.  Use the phrase, “By the way…” and then follow it up with a bit of sports talk.  That way, they feel as if they have led the conversation on to manlier things.