Dr. Smurf
Tom Jarvis sits in the doctor’s office one day, feeling a bit uneasy about what his scans may show. In nervous expectation, he looks at an entertainment magazine that is 2 years old and features a newly wed couple on the front that recently went through a big divorce with plenty of media coverage. The doorknob twists then opens…
Nurse: Mr. Jarvis, the doctor will see you in just a moment. Just so you know, he is a little… unique?
Tom: [Nervously] Unique? What do you mean by that?
Nurse: Well, let’s just say that… Dr. [pauses] Smurf is a bit… eccentric?
Tom: What are you saying?
Nurse: [Whispering] Okay, listen – Dr. Watkins is going through some sort of life crisis. We don’t know what the heck to make of it, but he owns this joint, okay? I wanna keep getting paid, because I have too many mouths to feed at my house and I also just got a sweet Chrysler Sebring. It’s a convertible. [With a bright sing-song tone] Okay then — the doctor will be in shortly.
The nurse exits and Tom stares blankly at the credentials on the wall. Then he reads a poster that says, “Kiss a non-smoker and taste the difference!” Once again, the doorknob twists, then opens. In steps a grown man without a shirt. He is wearing white spandex pants and K-Swiss shoes. Atop his head sits something like a chef’s hat from a comic strip. His entire body appears to be painted blue.
Doctor: Hello, Tom. I am Dr. Smurf. Smurfy day we are having, yeah?
Tom: [Stares at the doctor like a slack-jawed statue]
Dr. Smurf: I understand. I get it — you are waiting for your news. Well, it’s not very smurfy. In fact, you could say that you might have to consider a smurfy procedure.
Tom: [Gathering himself] Uhh… uh. Wh-what? Uh — are you serious?
Dr. Smurf: Mr. Jarvis, I never kid. I am always quite serious.
Tom: Okay, so what is happening exactly? Is this a joke?
Dr. Smurf: It’s no joke. I was looking at your scan and there is no way you can smurf through this kind of smurf without medical smurf.
Tom: [Shaking his head in disbelief]
Dr. Smurf: [Leaning in and lowering his voice] Look Tom, let me level with you — you are smurfed. Can I be that honest with you? Sorry, I just want to be real. I have never seen this level of smurf in my career. You are just plain smurfed.
Tom: So, what does that mean?
Dr. Smurf: Well, if I were pressed for what you might be looking at, I would say you have about smurf to smurf chances to smurf.
Tom: [Stares at the doctor]
Dr. Smurf: I know. Now that is smurfed up. Sorry, am I being too real? I am sometimes accused of that. [Adjusts his white chef-style hat and stands and hands Tom some papers] Tom, read up. There is a lot of smurfy information in here that should help you smurf the best decision. I have also given you my cell number in case you wanna go smurfing sometime.
Tom: [Shakes head and lets out a quiet squeak]
Dr. Smurf: I know, I know. It’s the least I could do. My nurses are always smurfing me and saying that I get too close to my patients. [Smiles] But what can I say — I am just a smurf, right?
Tom: [Nods blankly]
Dr. Smurf: Alright Tom [raises hand for a high-five that is not reciprocated]… you can see the smurf on your way out and she will smurf your payment for the day. I hope you still have that smurfy insurance ol’ Bill gives you guys over at the plant — how is that ol’ smurf anyway?
Tom: [Struggling to speak] He [clears throat] …uh, he just fired me.
Dr. Smurf: [Takes a sharp breath and grimaces] Yikes. That smurfs. [Smile returns] Keep it smurfy, Tom!
The door closes and Tom says something that sounds like, “I will.”
