At some point in time, an adult married male will be asked to go to the market to pick up a few essentials.
No doubt the list will include things like milk, bread, cheese, apples – an assortment of kitchen staples.
But there are some things that the ladies must know about the mind of a man left alone to shop at the grocery store.

1. If you ask for fruit, don’t assume he’s going to get apples.
Man Mind:  “Let’s see… this list says ‘fruit.’ I bet she means apples. [Looks around with strategic eyes] Hey, these are organic, but they are $4 a pound. Wait – is that pineapple? Pineapple is good and weird. And you have to cut it. Maybe I can use my sword to cut it.  Wait, this one is already pre-cut – what a time saver. I will be a hero, and she will be so proud that I don’t bring my sword into the kitchen again.”

2. If you ask for juice, please clearly state the brand name and the juice type.
Man Mind:  “Juice, juice, juice… ahhh. Here it is. [Reading label with much precision] Hmmm… this is just some plain old apple juice. [Looking around and seeing super-expensive imported Italian volcanic spring water juice infused with blood oranges]
Oh – here we go. [Places it in cart]

3. If you ask for cereal, limit the number of allowed boxes.
Man Mind:  “Raisin Bran – check. Cheerios – check. [Seeing Fruity Pebbles] I loved these when I was younger [drops them into cart with a smile] – for nostalgia. [Looking at aisle of cereal that goes on and on and grabbing a nearby box] Whooo – there is fruit in this one. She wanted me to get fruit, and this one has some kind of astronaut freeze-dried strawberries in them. [Places box in cart] And these… oooh. This box of Special K says that it helps you lose weight. She’ll love this. She’s really into weight loss.”

Suffice it to say – you get the point.
Please know that in addition to the above scenarios, a man left alone to shop in the grocery may be sucked in to a wine-tasting and come home empty-handed, but a bit more cultured.
And if he comes home with everything but what was on the list you gave him, just know that he had your best interests in mind…
…even if it is a box of Special K.

This short list certainly applies to me, what about you?
Ladies – care to chime in?

As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: You have been assigned the task of going to the grocery store and your lady has given you a list.

Mancode #77: Though you will come home with versions of the items on the list, Mancode allows you to alter any of the suggestions and add to the grocery inventory (it also allows for you to completely forget some things as well).

Coupons
If you were given a grocery list, you are almost certain to have been given a stack of coupons that you have carefully rolled up and shoved in your pocket.  Even as you were receiving specific instructions on how to use them, you knew that those coupons were never going to see the light of day.
Packaging
Sure, a 4-pack of stick butter is on your list.  You know that the brand in the convenient tub is easier to spread and has better graphics.  Also on the list is a bag of shredded cheese produced by a company called “Great Value.”  You get the “Kraft” shredded cheese because you know that brand names always taste better.
Milk
The list reads “2 gallons of 1% milk.”  Men don’t drink crappy milk-water.  You need vitamin D to feed your muscles.
Lady Items
Inevitably, your list will call for you to acquire some “lady specific” items.  You must get them, but always be sure to shake your head, roll your eyes and sigh as you toss the items carelessly into the cart.  Do this even if it appears no one is around, just in case.  You don’t want to take the chance on someone thinking you are okay with making those kinds of purchases.
Freestyle
Always be sure to stray from the list and exceed the grocery budget by at least $40.  Items to get that are not on the list are: several bags of chips, cookies, strange ice cream flavours, soda and lots of paper products for quick clean-up.  Because you have the drive home ahead of you, be sure to grab at least 2 candy bars and a pack of gum as you are checking out (you should also get something to drink since the candy bars will make you thirsty).

Did I miss anything in Mancode for shopping?
Want more Mancode?  You are not alone.

Have you ever been to a store searching for a particular item or an article of clothing only to find the wrong colour or the wrong size?  What on earth did you do?  Did you admit defeat and throw up your hands and leave?  Or did you do what thousands of shoppers do on a daily basis — stop a store associate and ask if they have what you want “in the back”?
In the back.
A magical place of wonder that we think exists in every store.  It is a place where there are rainbows and an abundance of your size and your colour in vast and copious quantities.

Me: Excuse me, sir?  I really like this shirt but my size isn’t here.  Do you have more in the back?
Associate: (Exhaling a giant plume of cigarette smoke.) No.  Everything we have is out here on the floor.
Me: You mean you don’t have a couple more of these shirts floating around back there?
Associate: (Guzzling the last of his Pabst Blue Ribbon.) No.  This is it.  (Gestures to the poor selection on the sales floor as he sloshes his PBR everywhere.)
Me: Huh.  Couldn’t you just look and see to be sure?
Associate: (Stares at me with crinkled eyes and wiping brown gravy from his chin.)  I said that if it is not out here, we don’t have it.
Me: May I speak to your manager please?

Have you ever fallen prey to the hopes that your item was “in the back”?  Please start the confessional line here:  I will go first.  My name is Kevin, and I have annoyed the crap out of some poor store associate by thinking it was their job to search the four corners of the globe to find the t-shirt I wanted.