As a man, I probably shouldn’t be telling you our secret codes for fear of being kicked out — kicked out of the Man Club.

Scenario: You take a new job and your employer leaves you alone for 5 minutes.

Mancode #836: You never want people to think that you don’t know what you are doing.  Therefore, always have some papers in your hand because they can double for some official/important documents.  You should always have a pen at the ready as well.  Having papers and a pen allows you the freedom to move about the office as opposed to standing in one place and therefore exposing your lack of productivity.  Once you decide to move, you should move quickly as if you have to get somewhere as soon as possible.  It is also a good idea to grimace as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders and all those suckers in their cubicles should be glad that it is you and not them with such responsibility.  When you approach a dead end, you should come to an abrupt stop, as if you remembered something — something critical.  Then you look hard at your papers, cut your eyes to the side as if you made an important discovery (tap your lower lip with your pen for emphasis), and finally dart away in the opposite direction from whence you came.  You should repeat this process until your employer discovers how hard you have been working in their absence.

So people, what have you done to not expose your lack of productivity?  …

This nasty little doll photo was submitted by my framily* member, Sarah Wickstrum Dykens.

The Nasty Little Challenge Rating (1 = disturbing, 5 = disturbing and may cause nightmares, 10 = disturbing, nightmare-causing and most likely to induce vomiting):
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Sarah sent this photo with a letter that says:

I crawled through our hallway closet and back into the secret hide-a-way beneath our stairs to retrieve our Christmas decorations stored away. I shined my flashlight far back under the stairs. The light illuminated three dusty boxes which revealed these three old dolls left behind from the previous tenants of our home, one of which has turned in shame to hide her nudity. We had been wondering where the whispering noises at night were coming from.

Wow.  Thanks Sarah.  The next time I am at your house I will be sure to not sleep inside.  Just the thought of those nasty little dolls whispering in your secret hide-a-way is enough to make me endure a night outside in safety.  But that naked doll is just wrong.  On a hundred levels.  I give this whole collection and story of discovery an 8.
Oh, and also…maybe the dolls did something to the previous tenants.  Yeah.  Maybe they did something and then went back to their nasty little boxes to regain their powers.  So when you guys hear scratching at night, it is not your dog and it is not a mouse.  It is actually those nasty little dolls trying to get out of their little chambers of evil.
Take care and sleep tight at night Sarah and Brian.

*Framily – Framily is the term given to those people in my life that are more than friends but not quite family.  They are my framily.

One of the best things in the world: hanging out in the basement with your favorite cousin
One of the worst things in the world: your least favorite cousin locking you in the basement so you can hang out with the “man that lives under the stairs”