Remember how toys used to be dangerous and fun? Remember when toy makers made crap ads and crap toys but you didn’t care because your rich friend on the bus had one of those toys? Remember when using a toy may or may not make you look like you had some sort of handicap? Behold the Swing Wing.

Okay Dollar Store, we know you are cheap.
We know we can buy your toys that last -3 seconds before breaking and hence breaking the heart of a little kid with 4 quarters.
We know we can buy your cheap bags of candy that may or may not be teetering on the edge of expiring and may or may not have been transported here in a used oil drum.
We know that we can buy your posters of Ferraris and Lamborghinis circa 1987.
So it shouldn’t surprise me that in your display for $1 sunscreen, some little kid had to pose with the cheap crap slathered all over his little face.
Come on Dollar Store, pay the extra buck and appoint someone to rub it in next time.

Announcer: You are listening to 1010, WKEV FM.  Up next, Where are They Now? with host, Corby Tender.

Corby: Welcome to Where are They Now? I am your host, Corby Tender, and joining me in the studio is Lite Brite.
(Plays jingle.) Light Brite, making thiiiings with liiiight.  What a sight, making things with Lite Brite.
Corby: Hello Lite Brite, welcome to the show.
Lite Brite: (Putting out cigarette.) Thanks.  (Coughs.) It’s a pleasure to be here.
Corby: Lite Brite, you were a hit in the 1980′s.  You were being ripped off the shelves at Christmas, and you were number one on every kid’s birthday wish list.  What was that like?
LB: Lemme tell you this — it was a rush.  You can’t begin to imagine how that shot to the top took its toll on me.  I began to get reckless.  My good friend, Etch-a-Sketch, was all like, “Man, you gotta get a grip.  You are moving too fast!”  I punched him in the screen so hard, he couldn’t erase it.  That was the last time we spoke.
Corby: Wow.  So what happened next?
LB: After a while, the kids lost interest in me.  Instead of making cool clown faces with the paper I provided, they started branching out on their own.  They would write (Beginning to cry.) … they would write cuss words… inappropriate designs… (Sobbing.) …I’m sorry.
Corby: It’s okay…let it out.
LB: I just felt so used…
Corby: I’m sure you did.
LB: Anyway, it didn’t take long for me to end up in the back of their closets or…worse…under their beds.  It was so dark.  So dark.
Corby: I am sorry Lite Brite.  I understand things are looking up for you now?
LB: Sort of.  (Lighting another cigarette.) I guess it’s better.  I have a newer look, but I am still the same ol’ toy deep down.
Corby: And you know what Lite Brite?  Deep down inside you is a light bulb.  It has been shining for a long time.  It will keep on shining in the lives of children everywhere.  Do you know why?
LB: (Looking at floor.) Why?
Corby: Because that light that is so bright — is your heart.
LB: (Softly.) Thank you.
Corby: No Lite Brite.  (Whispering.) Thank you.  We’ll be back after this important announcement.

Announcer: We hope you’ve enjoyed Where are They Now? with host, Corby Tender.  If you have lost track of someone or something through the years, contact our 1010 WKEV studios and let us know.  You can e-mail us at 11ty@kevinkeigley.com or leave your comment below.

This nasty little doll was submitted by my dear friend Stin Strum (Austin Wickstrum).

The Nasty Little Challenge Rating
(1 = disturbing, 5 = disturbing and may cause nightmares, 10 = disturbing, nightmare-causing and most likely to induce vomiting):
1  2  3  4  5  6 7  8  9  10

This nasty little doll gets a 6 on the Nasty Little Challenge Rating.  This is the kind of doll that sits still while you are in the room, but the moment you leave, it gets up and pitter-pats with its nasty little feet across the floor.  It then begins to rally the other nasty little dolls in the room to bring about your demise.  This is also the kind of doll that likes to slowly turn its head from atop a high shelf and watch you while you sleep.
More on my dear friend, Stin Strum, later.

I was browsing the toy aisle recently and I paused for a moment to check out the massive selection of Hot Wheels.  I like to buy one for my son every now and again so I wanted to find the coolest car.  Behind me were all of the toy guns where a very young boy was firing away with a blaze orange pistol.
The mom yanked the plastic piece from his tiny grip and said, (while glancing at me to make a connection)  “I ain’t gonna git you no gun!  Not ’til you know all about life an’ death (grinning at me)!  Then you can go kill a dove, a deer or whatever you want (still trying to connect)!  When we was young’ns, we didn’t git no gun ’til we was 8!”

…because at 8, you know all about life and death.